Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I am a ball of anxiety

Today is field trip day.

Let us visit inside my head. What's bothering me today, kiddies? Oh, just EVERYTHING.

Graduate School
I potentially start graduate school in five days. This is highly unlikely, as all of the necessary components didn’t arrive at the university until yesterday, but not entirely impossible.

I’m afraid that I’m going to get a phone call on Friday telling me that I’m in for the fall semester.
Still, I really want that phone call telling me that I’m in for the fall semester.

But I won’t have books. I have no idea when I can squeeze myself into a class. I don’t know how I’ll pay for the first semester. And there will be precious little time for my brain to segue into student mode.

I am anxious because I am impatient. I am impatient because I want to start. So that I can finish. So that I can get out of this job and into a career.

I am anxious because I have no control over this situation.

My bank accounts
Um. What happened to all of my money? For real.

Mara’s Wedding
Dread. Pure and simple. Dread.

And dread shouldn’t be my overwhelming feeling going into the wedding of a cousin who I used to be really, really close with.

Because of that, there’s a fair amount of guilt mixed in.

And fear. I’m afraid of another big blowout. I’m scared to see Uncle Alan, who is rumored to be coming to the wedding. I’m scared to make eye contact (let alone pleasant conversation) with Aunt Louise. I’m afraid that my dad will be treated like dirt. I’m terrified of what I would say or do if I am provoked. I am afraid that I will spend the entire weekend with a chip on my shoulder, pissed that I am there, pissed that I have such assholes for relatives, pissed that I am wasting away my long weekend.

The whole thing makes me terribly nervous.

The Big Move
I told my parents that I want to move.
But I don’t think that I’ve told them that I’m definitely going to move.
And I definitely haven’t told them that, when I do move, it is probably going to be into their house.

Oh. And it will be in approximately five weeks. And I need help with the furniture and the television.

Anxiety racks me whenever I merely allow myself to consider all of the work that moving will entail. My clothes definitely won’t all fit in my bedroom at Mom and Dad’s house. My books don’t fit in the bookshelves. And what the fuck am I’m going to do with my furniture?

This is too good. This is too good to last. My anxiety is fueled by the fear that this is temporary. And I don’t want it to be.

I am more attached, more vulnerable, more happy, more hopeful than I have ever been.

Mom’s birthday
Next Monday! I am so bad at shopping for her, but between Meg and I (with a little of Mom’s help – way to buy yourself a Coach purse!) it seems that we have everything covered. Of course, I’m worrying that she’ll hate everything, think that it is too expensive, or return it just for the sake of returning it and breaking my heart.

I volunteered to bake her birthday cake, too. As I am an overachiever and entirely open to setting myself up for praise, I spent most of my workday looking for The Perfect Cake. I found the recipe. And now I will spend the rest of my week imagining all of the ways I could potentially ruin it.

Are you scared yet? I could go on.

Hopefully your nightmares tonight aren't too severe.


Laurie said...

Deep breaths. Everything will work out.

Can you bake me a birthday cake? My b-day is Sept. 29, you have plenty of time to plan ;)

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