Friday, July 27, 2007

On loss


Yesterday was difficult.

My distance made it especially hard. I didn’t have anyone to cry with. I didn’t even get a hug. I was alone in my grief. I woke up at 8:00 am to bad news and I was left to fester in it - alone - until I left for work at 1:00 pm. It was a long, tearful, lonely morning.

Colin was sweet. If he thought I was being overdramatic, he hid it. Well. In a really supportive way. Which I appreciate more than I can properly explain.

Late in the afternoon, a coworker of mine told me that I looked sad. While I’d been trying to put on a happy, unaffected face, I felt somewhat consoled by his observation. I appreciated my lack of success.

My mom called to check on me. I found it irritating.

I'm supposed to go to Mom and Dad's after I leave work today. I don't really want to. I'm all cried out. I don't want to start the process over again. I don't want to see Meg; she always called Stevie her best friend. I don't have it in me. I suppose that makes me selfish.

I avoided my blog all day. Couldn't look at the picture.

Am generally a wreck. A controlled wreck.

He wasn't just a dog. He didn't think so. Neither did we.


Stacey Brandow said...

This just breaks my heart for you. I have a black lab as well and she is so precious to me. My husband and I often joke that she is more human then she is canine. It's hard when you grow up with it, as it sounds like you did. I get sad when I think that if we have kids in the next couple of years that she'll already be 8 or 9 by then she won't be around too long after that. I try not to think about it. My brother just lost his dog, she was 13 and one day he let her out and she didn't come back, that's so unlike her, she was very obedient. We think she left to die some place other then in his house because she was not doing well at all. This was probably 3 months ago and he still makes comments about missing her so much. It's completely okay to feel sad!

Stace said...

I've got nothing other than. . .I'm sorry. I had to go through it too, it's always hard.

Anonymous said...

Echoing Stace's comment...

Kate said...

Hi darling,

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Nothing will ever take your memories of Stevie away.


Amy said...

a dog is never just a dog. Mourn him. Grieve. And love him just the same. He will be a part of you always.

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