Friday, June 22, 2007

I get it, but I don't

Colin,

We have been doing this long enough that your behavior is no longer a mystery. I know how this works. Your interest in me is erratic, inconsistent and something akin to a roller coaster. We have long stretches where you want to see me, you want to be with me, you call and you make plans and it is lovely. I am happy when I am with you. I am happy when you call. I am happy while we idle in this stage.

And then we hit this bump. You hit the bump, actually. You hit the bump and I don't hear from you much and I don't see you much and I get frustrated and sad and, eventually, really pissed off. Because I don't know why it happens. Do I say something? Do I do something? Is there another girl? For every five phone calls I put into you, I get three "sorry, it was late when I got your message" emails.

I'm not that needy, clingy girl. I don't need to see you every day. I don't want to see you every day. And we don't have to have long, meaningful conversations every night before I go to sleep. I'd just like to know that you're alive and - I don't know - maybe thinking about me. Didn't forget that I exist. Haven't proposed to someone else.

When you hit The Bump, I always worry. It always feels like the very last time. Like I won't see you again. Like I am a undetermined number of unreturned calls away from deleting you from my phone and my life and my memory.

And then you come back. You come back strong. And I am happy. When I am happy, my memory is short.

I want you to come back, Colin. I always want you to come back.

But I don't understand why you go in the first place. Are you busy? Tell me. I understand busy, I do. Is it your family? I know its dysfunction rivals my family's. You don't have to tell me the details. Do you want to hang out with your friends? Don't fall off of the face of the earth for time with your friends. Spend every single night and every single day with your buddies; I trust your judgment. Is it other girls? That is what I fear, that you put me on the back burner when something you perceive as better comes along.

You forget what a cool girl I am, Colin. I don't pressure you. I don't stalk you. I rarely cannot make time for you. I play a mean game of soccer. I willingly put up with your bullshit. I'll agree to just about anything. I have killer abs. I'm not picky. I'm funnier than you are. I get along with your friends. I'm cute and I'm smart and I'm driven. And my expectations are incredibly low.

You have it made, buddy.

Yet you're still hitting The Bumps.

Consider yourself very lucky that I am on the other side of The Bumps.

And please realize that I won't always be.

3 comments:

Amy said...

I'm not one for games in relationships, but, if he ditches for a week and returns to find you exactly where he left you, what's going to make him change? What will make him stop taking your friendship for granted? What will push him to see it at the same level you do? You make it easy for him to take you for granted. I don't think that's what you want at all. But it's what you allow.

A said...

When you put it so simply, Amy, I sort of want to bang my head against my desk.

Because I am in the midst, I cannot see what is so obvious.

Oh, I swear I am not just a stupid girl with a strong infatuation.

Plantation said...

Bumps = someone else of interest. When that dries up, the bump is over and he comes back to 'old faithful' Alyson. Dude, you've GOT to get over this guy and move on.

 
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