Friday, April 20, 2007

Benefits of time

I wouldn't have guessed that, five weekends after our St. Patrick's day debacle, things between Colin and I would be this way.

For the most part, I have put the breaks on the childish relationship that we were sustaining. Somehow, I have convinced myself not to count on him. I have trained myself not to expect from him. I have essentially given up on him.

...without entirely giving up on him.

Part of my heart remains hopeful that he will grow up, realize, change. But, after five weeks of denying it the light of day, that part of me is quieter. It is there, but it is not so ferocious. It no longer feasts on me. My self-esteem is not a part of the daily diet of my irrational hope.

I don't call him like I used to.

And I don't scold myself for nearly calling him.

It gets easier.

But it doesn't go away.

He was in Illinois last weekend. For work. He stopped by my hotel en route to his destination. His coworkers (and good friends) and I had drinks. I reminded my heart to keep a steady beat. I chided myself for the hopeful daydreams of him picking me up for a night in Chicago that inevitably danced through my head as I rode the elevator (alone) back to my room.

Before, my expectations would have been higher.

I still had expectations.

If he showed up at my soccer game tonight with a dozen roses (I can write this fantasy because it is so incredibly unlikely), we would go back to how we were. If I go out with him tomorrow night, I could lose all that I struggled to learn.

And so I keep moving on.

With a bit of hope. And a lot of cynicism.

There are worse combinations, I suppose.

2 comments:

Kate said...

Aly,

Whenever we ask someone a question that we already know the answer to or only allow one right answer to, we've already set them up to disappoint us. And sometimes, if you're open to their answer it can surprise you even if it isn't YOUR perfect answer.

Have you directly said to Colin that you'd like it if he would surprise you more? That you'd welcome him inviting you on an impromptu date somewhere or just show up at your soccer game?

I would start out by saying to him something good he does, and then say to him that you wanted to make sure that he knows that its OK with you to just show up at one of your soccer games or invite you last-minute to something fun. Now if he invites you to something last-minute and you can't go, then don't drop things to go, but let him know how excited you are that he asked.

That is my two-cents worth of advice for you. You've got to look at what Colin brings to the table in your relationship, and what you've asked of him, and if it is simply not enough you need to let him know that you're seeing other people.

Because, Aly? If you want to get married and have a real relationship, and the one you're in is not moving forward, why? If your job sucked you'd find a new one and then quit. I think the same rule applies with boyfriends.
As ALL OF US (not just girls, either) get older, our pool of available people diminishes.

If he's NOT the one, I want to meet the one while I am still young(er) and (more) beautiful.

xoxo,
K

PS: If/when R starts to "suck" I will need you to remind me of this.

PPS: If you want to email me you are always welcome to do so.

A said...

Colin does suck (much like my job - which I sadly have not had the opportunity to quit). But, unlike my job, I can tell him that he sucks. And I haven't. And that's my fault.

 
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