Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Waiting it out

I've talked to Colin, but I haven't talked to Colin. You know what I mean.

Because of his job, he's in this horrible, insanely busy, soul crushing time of the year. He is getting no sleep, working stupid hours and doing too much for too many people in too many locations. I know a good deal about his job; his stress is palpable and it is legitimate.

I'm hesitant to throw another playing card atop the wobbly structure he continues to build.

If his house of cards collapses around him, our relationship will be among the many tragedies.

Should our relationship end (and I expect that it will), I want him to know that it has. I want him to feel the burn of its finality.
If I do it now, it will be just another item on his list of woes. He will bury it among his work commitments. He'll be too busy to really notice that I'm gone. He won't hurt enough.

I want him to hurt.

I haven't seen him. I don't expect to. Not for another week or two. Maybe longer.

I can maintain us over the phone. I will read his emails and smile. My heart will leap when his number flashes on caller ID.

I will continue to hold the threads of what is left of us. I will admire them. I will shower them with fondness and with nostalgia. And I will prepare myself to let the threads of us go.

When he is able to watch them fall from my hand, I'll let go.

He can hurt.

I've suffered more than my fair share.


Kate said...

Hey A,

Sounds like you've got it figured out there. I'm sure you wish you didn't have to figure out this stuff.

Hang in there.


A said...

I have something figured out. Whether that's the best way to break things off with Colin or just how to be an evil bitch, I'm not entirely sure.

Amy said...

Better than any pain that Colin might feel (because in the end, I suspect, deep down, you don't really want him to hurt) think of how freeing this will feel for you. The weight that will be lifted from always wondering, often doubting, continuously caught in the circle of unknown. Focus on you, make your joy and your contentment a priority.

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