Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Life as an independent greased pig

The single life, for the most part, is largely unappealing to me. I derive no pleasure out of spending excess time at the bar, playing the field, pretending that I'm more Sex and the City than I am, ever was or ever could be.

I do it, of course, because I'm 24 and single and have already spent too much of my life isolated from what is reality. I do it to be with my friends. I do it so I can say that I did. And because I usually have fun, even though it's not really my thing.

A part of the single life that I've grown to appreciate, however, is living on my own.

It's more than an appreciation, to be honest. I love it. I despise the location and I hate paying for it every month. And pretty much everything else is awesome.

Here is an excellent example: during the wintertime I get painfully dry skin. I am itchy and miserable every day. The only thing that helps me out is a moisturizing routine that is excessive, time consuming and a tad bit ridiculous.

On a cold winter night, you can often find me in front of the television with a bottle of baby oil and a tub of petroleum jelly at my feet. I slather myself, head to toe, in this very greasy and very disgusting combination so as to prevent the dry skin that threatens to drive me batty.

And then, while I continue to watch (trashy reality) television (or Grey's Anatomy) I stand around and wait for the goop to soak in a bit.

(Yes, I stand. I don't want to sit and risk getting grease all over everything.)

Now, if you were living with me and you were greasing yourself up like you were about to commit suicide in a deep fryer? I'd never let you hear the end of it. I'd also give you a really awesome nickname. I would call you Slick.

That's why I'm glad that I live alone. If I lived with someone, be it romantically or in a roommate situation, they would make fun of my daily greasing. Because I attract sarcastic assholes such as myself.

There are many other benefits to living the lonely life.

-I don't worry about bills being paid late, because I pay all of them.
-I leave piles of dirty clothes on the floor if I'm in a hurry and I don't have to feel guilty for making someone else look at my filth.
-I don't worry about there being enough groceries in the house, because I know that there's something I like in the cupboards.
-I dump my hockey bag in the middle of the floor when I feel like it.
-I don't have to sort the mail.
-There isn't anyone to do my laundry wrong.
-I can watch the same episode of The Hills three times without anyone questioning my mental health.
-I wear asinine ensembles to bed without a second thought.
-I can eat what I want, whenever I want. I don't share my food. I don't cook for anyone else.
-If I am feeling like a neat freak, my apartment will definitely be spotlessly clean and all (one) of the beds will be made.
-Nobody touches my shit.

Oh my God.

I just realized that I'm a control freak.

Damn. Maybe that's my problem.


Amy said...

oh, you forgot some other wonderful highlights to being single. I never have to compromise. Want to eat out? Stay in? Movie? DVD? all my choice. Every.single.time. Cereal for dinner six nights in a row? Groovy. Do I want to rearrange the living room, do I want to put the couch in front of the patio door? OKAY! I picked out my own two cats, and my own dog. No compromise on breed, temperment or color. It's all about ME!! (K, not to sound like I'm all that in to me, I would love to NOT be single at some point again, too, but I'll take the perks where I can find them!)

Laurie said...

Oh my. This means I am a control freak too. Somehow I manage to have a roommate and still have control. I must really have issues...

Paul Michael Peters said...

There is a huge job fair at Burton Manor Friday - just FYI if you were up for it.

I have lived alone for years and totally agree.


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