Thursday, March 22, 2007

Distance makes the heart heal faster

While I am not quite ready to give up on Colin (although this week has pushed me much closer), when I do, I have no doubt that I will need to quit him cold turkey.

No more phone calls, emails, movie marathons on his couch. I’d see him when I went to play soccer, but it will need to be limited to a polite smile and a half-hearted wave. Anything more than that and I will be pulled right back in.

Friendship is not a possibility. Which is a shame, because with all of our shared interests and our compatible personalities and the fact that he really is one of those decent guys who would do anything for one of his friends, we could’ve had one of those nice boy-girl friendships that end up in sitcoms.

A friendship would not work. And it would be entirely my fault.

I would find meaning in every word. I would have expectations for every encounter. I could never completely move on.

And, when I give up on Colin, I will need to really give up on him. Grow up. Move on.

I recently found my way to my high school non-boyfriend’s MySpace page. I haven’t seen him since I graduated from college. He traded in his jock label for Emo. He has a job – a job in which, unlike his high school homework, I don’t do his work for him. He lives in Portland.

It choked me.

When I like – I love – I fall without fear of hitting the bottom. I can’t seem to remember to protect myself.

I fall outstretched. I fall exposed.

It takes a long time to find the way back to my feet.

I don’t want to get over him.

I don’t want to hurt.


Paul Michael Peters said...

These things take time. I used to believe that the equation that it takes a month for every year you were together to get over a person was valid. But you never really “get over” people - for better or worse they are always a part of your life, your past life. And if a person was really that great, you don’t want to “get over them.” It’s nice to take the good things about them or the ways we grow, and carry that on through our days passing the qualities on to others. All of this, of course, takes time.

The positive side to all of this? If you are ever interested in an older man, you know you can always email me.


Shelley said...

I can totally relate to your situation. Getting over a guy is really difficult. After awhile you finally get over him. However there will always be those moments when you get pangs of feelings for the person. Even when you believe you are totally over the person... you tell yourself you are, but you can't truly get over someone... and that sucks. Even if they hurt you (emotionally) somehow those feelings stay with you.

Sorry you are going through this. Good luck with cutting off communication. Stay strong!


Amy said...

I have been here, I have done this. A couple of times. Looking back, I know that when I finally cut ties the last time, I had to do it on my terms. I had to decide it, I had to do it, I had to make it what I needed it to be. And I could only do that when I was really able to face the REALITY of who the guy was, not the DREAM of who I wanted him to be. Once I realized he wasn't the dream, or wasn't the man he could be, then is really wasn't as hard to walk away cold turkey. Until you see Colin for who he is, which is NOT saying he's a bad person, just see him for who he truly is IN RELATION TO YOU, then you can see what you are not getting.

And absolutely hold onto the good and some of the bad. All these relationships help you to form who you are, how you love, and what you need from others. It's good to know, good to remember.

Listen to the song "In the Back of the Bottom Drawer" by Chelly Wright.

Anonymous said...

Love stinks. :(

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