Monday, February 19, 2007

Meant to be

I’m pissed at Colin.

I slept in fits last night. My rest was interrupted by a voluminous hoodie, a pair of fleece and two comforters (too hot), some odd dreams (too disturbing) and a nagging irritation with Colin.

I hate him sometimes.

It feels, on occasion, like he puts me on the back burner. As though he knows that, when he wants to come around, I’ll be waiting. In the past, I certainly have waited. But that waiting? It’s getting kind of old. I’m not okay with second place.

This time around, things with us have been stellar. But I look at the last couple of weeks and I see us slipping back into the frustrating, ugly rut of old.

I don’t want to do it again.

It makes me feel too worthless. A second-class afterthought.

I didn’t call him yesterday. It was a childish test of sorts. I had told him on Saturday that, since I couldn’t see him on Friday night (he was working) or Saturday night (he was going out with people for/from work) I wanted to have dinner with him after my hockey game. I’d already planted the seed; I would leave it up to him to water it.

He didn’t.

Something better must have come up.

Not that skipping out on dinner was any sort of a big deal. It’s just the thought. Or, really, the lack of thought.

I’d like to be a priority. And I’m not.

After a night of such crappy sleep that left me with entirely no patience for him and for his bullshit, I was very done with Colin. Not because I wanted to be. Because I felt that I needed to be.

Because I knew that, if he called me tonight and wanted to see me, I would see him. Because if we didn’t call me all week and on Friday night he wanted to see me, I would see him. Because, somehow, he turns my values and my self worth to mush. Because all I ever want is to be around him. Because, when he comes around, I’m waiting, ready and willing.

And that needs to stop.

I need to stop.

I need more.

I’m convinced.

My heart isn’t.

As I drove to work feeling sulky and sad and tired at the unraveling of what was once a good thing, the deejays on the radio asked those who married their first kiss to call in.

Colin was mine.

And with that radio bit – which aired while I was driving to work due to irony or fate or dumb luck or nothing at all – I thawed. I immediately had an appetite for forgiveness.

And then a man named Colin called in to the radio show. Followed immediately by a man with Colin’s middle name.

I felt as though I had just turned over a Magic 8 Ball and it read “all signs point to ‘yes.’”

Or, more specifically, “all signs point to ‘continue your spineless ways.’”


Mrs. Architect said...

Oooh, eerie!! I would have totally changes paces like you after hearing that. Too weird!!

Plantation said...

Hi. Longtime. Here's hoping you eventually get over your first love. You're more deserving.

k said...

oh my goodness... i feel so much the same way about my boyfriend. when it is good it is soooo good, but i'm certainly not up at the top of his priorities all the time and that often leads to me feeling like shit... i could go on and on, but i'll leave it at i know exactly how you feel. i wish i knew what to do about it!

Amy said...

I have so been there and done that. I'll say this: until you decide you are worth more, Colin can't see that you are worth more. That's it. My two cents. Not even worth that, but t'is true, as you seem to be on the verge of getting until your heart gets in the way again. If Colin wants to love you, make sure it is on your terms and not on terms that you settle for. Love is never something to settle for. He might love you fiercely, midwestern, he might just not realize he needs to show it. It's never been required of him.

A said...

PT: you are so predictable! Am going to start calling you The Original Colin Hater (please note that I'm not saying that you're wrong).

Amy: you're always so darn wise. It kills me. You're so right, I have never required him to show me essentially anything. That needs to change.

K: I always appreciate being reminded that I'm not alone. Thanks for reading.

Elle: Tee hee. I'm glad that didn't just creep me out. :)

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