Monday, January 30, 2006

Damn me

I feel bad.

I'm in the midst of my I-completely-disagree-with-the-management-change-act-psychotic-a-thon and it seems that I have hurt the feelings of an innocent coworker who had nothing to do with The Most Idiotic Change in All the World.

And that is why I feel bad.

It's also why I shouldn't be so insanely cheerful on a regular basis. I simply cannot act chipper when I'm feeling the exact opposite. And when I'm pissy, I shut my mouth and I avoid eye contact.

I can't see you! You can't hear me! I'm not here! Problem solved.

So, today, my super-nice coworker whipped around in her chair, leaned into my cubicle and said (now, I'm paraphrasing here): "what the fuck is your problem, bitch? Why aren't you fucking talking? What the fuck did I do to you?"

And I was like (in a very small, squeaky voice): "Oh, my! Gee, what an awful confusion! Golly! I don't hate you! I am only frustrated with my job and that makes me want to be very quiet because I am so mentally ill that I think my incessant chatter makes everyone's workday pleasant."

We didn't resolve anything. Which means I will need to be a grown-up tomorrow and apologize.

Shit. Fuck. Damn. Etc.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Because I can

Whenever my phone rings, my hearts jumps. Whenever my phone rings, I think that it’s Colin. I hate that.

It’s officially Super Bowl week here in the D. I expect it to be insane and exciting. I love the city – I haven’t made a secret of that – and I hope that the electricity the Super Bowl brings to down is a reflection of the good to come.

I played amazingly well in my hockey game tonight. I’m finding that playing goalie is incredibly empowering. I never thought I could do it. I never imagined that I would have the confidence to strap on those pads, to face failure in front of my teammates and opponents. It speaks, I think, for how much I’ve grown in the past year. I’m finally coming out of my shell. I’m living for me, not for others, not for the sake of my image. I’m not completely there yet, I’m not totally comfortable in my skin, but I’m closer. I’m on my way.

Last night, I went out with a bunch of my company’s younger set. It’s the first time I’ve been out since Colin and I went kaput. It was fun and lighthearted and totally casual. I definitely needed that night out. I’m very, very good at convincing myself that I am not like my peers – that I don’t really like to go to the bar and I’m not really into staying out late and I’m not a social creature and I’m okay with being alone, watching E! and knitting on a Saturday night. But the truth is that the bar scene can be awfully fun and being around other people won’t kill me.

...Heather called me today, actually, to invite me to her birthday celebrations. As is so typical for her, she’s making a weekend out of her birth. Friday: comedy club. Saturday: “we’re dressing all hoochie and going to a bar with dancing. I’m sure that you don’t want to do that.”

I don’t?

Who said?

And, fuck, let’s be honest here. If anyone should be dressing up like a slut, it’s me. Because I know that I’m the only one of Heather’s friends with the body for it.

So, maybe I’ll surprise her. Maybe I’ll make a Saturday night of it.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Self evaluation

In the last 18 hours, I have learned that change brings out the absolute worst in me.

I am in such a foul mood. I have BITCH seeping out of my pores. I am unhappy and I have made it my business to make sure that everyone knows it.

Yes, I'm that person everyone hates.

And I don't care.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Sudden and sharp

Today marked the very first very abrupt departure that has directly affected me and my job.

It fucking blows, I tell you.

My boss has been relieved of the dual role he has been juggling since my building opened in August. He is being replaced by a woman whose intelligence I question just slightly more than I question her qualifications.

And I'm questioning her qualifications like Wayne Gretzky scored goals.

Yeah.

We found out this afternoon.

It took me two seconds to realize that this change is going to strap me with a perma-bitch attitude, approximately 20 more hours per week and $0.

And I'm not even the one who is truly being fucked in this situation.

Needless to say, my resume experienced a complete overhaul this evening. Shortly after a lot of tears (on the phone with my parents), yoga class (which has never felt so good) and the ingestion of a lot of cheese.

Sharp cheddar, if you must know.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Just reading this recipe will make you chubby

(I cannot help but wonder if the Times will send me a cease and desist for posting this.)

Crusty Macaroni and Cheese
(courtesy of the New York Times)

Time: 1 hour 15 minutes
3 tablespoons butter
12 ounces extra-sharp cheddar cheese, coarsely grated
12 ounces American cheese or cheddar cheese, coarsely grated
1 pound elbow pasta, boiled in salted water until just tender, drained, and rinsed under cold water
1/8 teaspoon cayenne (optional)
Salt
2/3 cup whole milk.

1. Heat oven to 375 degrees. Use one tablespoon butter to thickly grease a 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Combine grated cheeses and set aside two heaping cups for topping.

2. In a large bowl, toss together the pasta, cheeses, cayenne (if using) and salt to taste. Place in prepared pan and evenly pour milk over surface. Sprinkle reserved cheese on top, dot with remaining butter and bake, uncovered, 45 minutes. Raise heat to 400 degrees and bake 15 to 20 minutes more, until crusty on top and bottom.

Yield: 8 to 12 servings.

Why today is sucking my ass

1. Call from OB-GYN. Must redo pap smear. Not enough cells brutally scraped from you last time. Sorry! Are you available next Friday?

2. Super-early morning to cover for co-worker who is on vacation.

3. Super-late afternoon to cover for co-worker who is at training.

4. Lobby television tuned to FOX News when I came in (super early) this morning. Before I had coffee. Am lucky that television is mounted too high for me to punch my fist through the screen.

5. Lame-ass people who don't understand recreational sport and its purpose and the fact that it should be fun and casual and place no emphasis on scores and standings.

6. The micromanaging, hand-holding and babysitting of grown people.

7. Just about everything, as a matter of fact.

Crabby, crabby, crabby!

I feel awfully sorry for the bitches I'm playing soccer against tonight.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Crushing Colin

I have significantly reduced Colin-related pouting.

This is due to a very attractive, painfully kind, adorably tall former collegiate hockey player.

(OHMYGOD! I LOVE HOCKEY PLAYERS!)

His name is Jack. He's Irish and cute and super close with his older sister and he drives a Subaru and is the middle child and was born the same year as me.

...and he works for my company.

Um. Yeah. Lookie no touchie.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Chubby

One of my company's brightest and best stopped in at my building yesterday, bringing with her sandwich fixin's, pasta salad, cake and Rice Krispie treats.

I spent 8.5 hours munching.

And then I went home and ate the last of my New York Times macaroni and cheese.

Mom called to chat just as I was getting ready to go to the gym. "All I did today was eat," I confessed. "I feel gross. I need to move."

"That's funny, because I was just looking at you yesterday, thinking 'if she gets any skinnier...'"

"Oh, please!"

"You're very thin right now."

"Well, I do have to pay for my own groceries now."

My mom wouldn't lie to me. Not about my weight.

Which makes me wonder what else I cannot see and cannot realize about myself.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Vroom

Can you believe that in my whole 23 years, all of which has been lived in metro-Deroit, that I have never ever been to the North American International Auto Show?

(Okay. You guys don’t see the significance in that. It’s okay. I don’t expect you to. I check my reader statistics! I know most of you aren’t native Detroiters.)

Seriously, though. The Auto Show is a big-ass deal. It’s held here every January and people come in from around the world to go to the show. And everyone I know, if they don’t have a family tradition of going annually, has been to the Auto Show at least once.

Except for me.

Until yesterday!

Dad snagged us some tickets and we went to see the cars. ...it was somewhat remarkable that he wanted to go, to be honest, seeing as he just got canned from his automotive-related job.

But, we had a sweet-ass time. The cars were fascinating, but the people and the atmosphere were what really caught my attention. It was so interesting to watch the gearheads, in absolute bliss as they measured and sketched and photographed and talked and talked and talked cars. And it was really heartening to feel the excitement inside of Cobo. Everyone was so upbeat and really delighted to be looking at all of the cars. I expected a somewhat glum undertone to the entire event, given the current state of the Big 3. Detroiters have this uncanny ability to hold their heads up high, no matter how low morale should be. I think that’s why I love it here. It’s definitely not the weather. And it’s not what the city does (or doesn’t) have to offer. It’s the people.

My dad is one of them. He’s keeping his chin up.

And I’m trying very hard to do the same.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sympathy and presents

The most difficult part of my day was telling the president of the company I work for – a man who happens to be an acquaintance and a customer of my father – that Dad got fired from his job. I had to choke back tears. I was vulnerable in front of a man who is very, very important and very, very influential in my professional life. And he was extremely sympathetic and way kinder than he needed to be.

I didn’t blog yesterday because I was in the midst of a burgeoning love affair. WITH MY NEW iPOD.

And when I say new, I actually mean 6 months old and from my good pal, Aviva, who sent it packed full of some wicked quality music and love straight from NY, NY.

Squeal. I am very lucky.

And now I will spend a fortune on iPod accessories. Wheee!

All I’ve done this week is eat junk food. I made this disgustingly delicious, utterly perfect macaroni and cheese recipe that was printed in the New York Times and it is the only thing I had for dinner all week. It’s almost all I had for lunch all week, too, except someone brought in a huge pizza lunch for the office and we’ve toasted up pizza leftovers in the TurboChef every day since.

So yummy. Cannot step on scale.

I love how I convinced myself, all day, that I was going to bed at 10:00 at the very latest. Probably much earlier.

It’s 11:05.

Jackass.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Faucet

The best thing I could do for myself right now, I think, is to lay down and sob my heart out over things between Colin and I falling apart.

I've been trying to let my guard down and let the tears fall since the beginning of the end - essentially the start of the year - but I can't cry. The tears will not come. I have tried. I need a good cry, damnit! But I can't do it.

I don't know what that means.

Perhaps that Colin was never the Prince Charming I crowned him as.

Perhaps that we just weren't supposed to be.

Perhaps because I know that the reason he's pulling away is rooted in his family and its problems and his inability to let himself be vulnerable enough to have me in his life while he's in the midst of all of the family drama.

Perhaps I'm just cried out. The last few months have been awfully rough, after all.

Perhaps I can't accept that it's virtually over.

Perhaps I am so stupid and so naive that I don't even know how to react when a boy tramples all over me.

Perhaps my heart knows that he'll blink his eye and I'll instantly forget.

Because I will.

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Wall

3-3.

I wanted a win and I wanted a shutout, but Alyson the First-Time Goalie happily settled for the tie.

My team took the 1-0 lead early in the first period. I responded by letting in two goals on the first two shots that I took.

Ouch.

So, now I’m sweating profusely and picturing my imminent humiliation and wanting to barf and wondering what I got myself into.

And then one of the opposing forwards brings the puck down the right side, crosses it in front to the center (who was so frigging wide open it was a felony) and I flop onto my belly, stretch out my stick and break up the pass.

The crowd goes wild!

After that, I calm down and play well the rest of the game.

Highlights of the evening:

1. A television crew taped our game for a feature on the league (which is sort of a unique setup) that will be played in a few weeks.

2. My daddy came to my game. And he told me that he was proud of me.

I'll play goalie every night of the week to hear that!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The E and A Show

I’m trying to be a good big cousin and spend a lot of time with Emma. In addition to taking her off of Mom and Dad’s hands, I think that it’s good for her to feel wanted. ...her parents have been MIA since she moved in with Mom and Dad. You’d think they would come for dinner once and a while. Or call her every day. But, instead, it seems that they’re pretending that she doesn’t exist. I don’t think that’s appropriate.

Her big cousin doesn’t rank with her parents, but I’ve been doing what I can to fill a little bit of the void. We watch movies, I take her to Starbucks to study, we go shopping, I pick her up from school – little, unimportant things like that.

We’ve been doing a fair amount together.

In matching outfits!

It took us far too long to realize that, when we go out, we wear what we have now labeled our Sorority Girl Uniforms.

Powder blue North Face coats. Coach purses. Ugg boots. Jeans.

Straight off of sorority row on my beloved UM’s campus.

I wonder if anyone noticed. It is my simple wish that we didn’t look quite as stupid as the family friends, a husband/wife combination, who wear matching winter coats. Barf.

I’ve since switched over to my pink Kate Spade handbag; I seem to grab my pea coat out of the closet whenever I go home.

I’m not really sure that makes us look any less like sorority girls.

But at least we don’t look like overgrown twins.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Awfully early to be getting up for no reason

I had one of my finer moments this morning.

I set my alarm clock for 5:45 am, leaving myself plenty of time to dress and pack up before leaving for skating. The plan was, as I mentioned yesterday, to skate for two hours, go to The Most Fun Doctor’s Appointment of the Year, and head into work.

So, I get my ass dressed and I slap on some makeup and get my crap picked up and packed up. I’m just about to go into Mom and Dad’s bedroom to say goodbye. But first, I’m going to put a bottled water into my skating bag so I don’t forget it.

Uh. Hey. Where is my skating bag?

In my closet. At my frigging apartment.

55 glorious minutes away.

It is really awesome when I get up at 5:45 am not to skate. And then have to go to La Doctora. And then have to go to work.

I can be such a tool.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I could walk on his back with my blades to keep with the theme

Actually. Colin is not Colin.

Colin is an asshole.

And, yes, you all realized this way before I did. And, indeed, it is likely that even a half-assed apology would be enough to get me to cross him off of my People to Kill list. And, no, I may never learn.

Not until I'm ready.

Right now, I'm not.

The only thing I'm ready for is four consecutive skating-centric days of watching U.S. Nationals until my eyes bleed and my desire to slowly rip off each of Colin's fingernails and plunge his hands into salt water subsides.

This is the plan.

Thursday: play hockey with dad, watch mens/ladies short programs from 7:30-11pm on ESPN2.
Friday: skate for two hours, go to La Doctora del Cha Cha, work, watch free dance from 10:30pm-1am on ESPN2, watch Ice Diaries on TLC from 1-2am.
Saturday: work, watch mens and pairs long programs 4-6pm on ABC, watch ladies long program from 8-11pm on ABC.
Sunday: lesson with skating coach, watch exhibition programs from 4-6pm on ABC, play goalie in 7:45 hockey game and try not to get killed.

If that's not a well-planned coping strategy, I don't know what is.

Colin? What? Did you say Cohen?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Okay, I figure

Today, I had the best work day I've had in a LONG time. Perhaps ever. That was a nice, unusual change from the status quo. I won't get into details, but I'm awfully frustrated with my job. I feel like I'm not using my brain and my education to their potential and the writing on the wall indicates that I don't have much room to move up - in either position/responsibilities or in wages. Which is a shame, because I really respect and believe in the company that I'm working for.

Oh, this adult life! So needlessly complex!

I took yoga today. I love yoga. Not like Allison does (not yet, anyway), but I get more and more into it after each class I take. I am hoping that I find time to squeeze in one more class per week - once is absolutely not enough. But finding the time is not easy when I need to squeeze it in with soccer, hockey (2 days/week), skating (2 days/week), kickboxing and random workout sessions at the gym. Maybe I should, like, try to be a normal person and cut down on the sports.

...although, I really have no idea what I'd do with my time.

Reading would be an option, I suppose. I have yet to find a way to incorporate reading into my "normal" "adult" life. I haven't read a book since this summer. I'm embarrassed to admit that.

I'm at Mom and Dad's house tonight. I came home this evening because I have the day off tomorrow (hurrah). I volunteered to pick Emma up from school and I'm dragging Daddy out of the house to shoot pucks at me during a pop-in hockey session. I'm sleeping in my sister's room, which is about the strangest thing ever; Emma and her guinea pigs reside in my room.

Emma seems to be doing really well with Mom and Dad. And, if my mother and grandmother are to be believed, it sounds like her parents aren't really interested in taking her back anytime soon. My parents are awfully good people, taking her in just after my dad lost his job. But that's how they are.

And that's why I get the feeling that - despite the job and the inability to be inactive and the stupidity that is making me give goaltending a try and the reading deficiency - I'll be okay.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Holy moly, what a goalie!

Somehow I have been talked into playing goalie in my Sunday women’s hockey league.

Pretty much it’s hilarious.

I took my first shot at it yesterday, on a women’s drop-in hockey session that girls in my league frequent.

I sweated more getting myself dressed than I did actually playing. And I had someone else do the majority of the work getting me suited up! Somehow, even though my knees couldn’t touch and I wasn’t able to pull my jersey over the chest protector, I bumbled my way to the ice.

And was instantly convinced that I am the best skating goalie that this world has ever seen. Despite wearing two mattresses strapped to my legs, I whizzed around the ice like a maniac. And then, because I am a cocky bitch, I did a gorgeous spiral and a Salchow jump.

The part where I’m actually in the net is another story.

I’m okay, actually. I stand there and let the puck hit me like I was BORN to do it. What is truly challenging is moving fast enough so that that little bugger will hit me when it’s not directly aimed at my body.

Because that’s the part that involves skill. And athletic prowess. And maybe a little bit of practice.

I can’t wait until my game on Sunday. My dad is coming to watch.

He may get a hernia from laughing so hard. Which wouldn’t be so bad. He could use a few laughs these days.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Debt Gods hate me

As you all are aware, all I want to do is buy things for myself.

Well, it's a damn fine thing that I've found Mighty Goods so that I can sufficently piss away my pathetic excuse for a salary as efficently as possible.

Honestly, though. Good stuff. I am in love.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Brain food

Today I discovered Sudoku puzzles. I find them rather enjoyable, despite their basis in numbers. I hate numbers.

But I like Sudoku puzzles; they keep my brain buzy.

Especially good on a day like today. My day off. Nothing to do except watch the Discovery Health Channel, eat pistachios and spend hours plugging numerals into a grid as an attempt to keep my mind off of how vulnerable and unwanted I feel.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Reader Poll

Has anyone been wondering what's going on with me and Colin?

Me, too!

Ever since November, everything shitty that could have happened has.

But Colin is still Colin.

So I'll take that as a positive sign.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A gets the gimmies

Last time I checked, it was still college football bowl season. As far as I know, college football bowl season is reallyreallyreally close to the Christmas season. These simple facts make me put my nonexistent tail between my legs.

Christmas wasn’t two weeks ago, and I’m working on a sadly impressive Want list. I feel bad about it. I was major-league spoiled, and I totally want more. Like, a whole lot more.

For example:

1. an iPod
I lost my mp3 player sometime in November. Getting to the gym without music is a chore. I didn’t go to the gym if I wasn’t going to a class ONCE in December (the suck factor of the month played a role, too, of course).
My good friend Aviva, who works for a record label in NYC, got an iPod Nano and a video iPod from clients for Christmas. She’s looking to sell her old iPod (which she got in July and is chock-full of fabulous music) and the Nano. I want.

2. Wall décor for my apartment
These fancy stick-on decorative squares from Urban Outfitters, specifically. I could probably make them myself, but I’ll screw up so many times that it would be way more economical to dump the $40some buying them from Urban will cost me.

3. $75+ in yarn for a new knitting project
I really want to knit this yoga bag. But would I ever pay $75 for a yoga bag? Um, no. This can be justified by taking into consideration the hours (and hours and hours) of entertainment I would get out of knitting this beauty. …if I finish by Halloween, it would be somewhat of a miracle.

4. Silpat Baking Liners
I have a really, really nice mixer and really, really nice cookie sheets. So, um, obviously I need really, really nice baking liners so that I can make really, really nice baking products that will make me really, really chubby.

5. Calendar
I always get one for Christmas. Except for this year. What the hell? I want this Linnea Poster Calendar, but I plan to exercise some restraint and pick something up at Borders, instead.

6. Solid color long-sleeved t-shirts from Old Navy
Good for skating in!

7. Anything else I lay my eyes on.
I need help. And a better paying job.

Easy, Orgasmic

Per request from two of my favorite mommies-to-be...

4 squares semi-sweet baking chocolate
1/2 cup butter
1 cup powdered sugar
2 eggs
2 egg yolks
6 Tbsp. flour
1/2 cup whipped cream

Preheat oven to 425. Butter 4 custard cups and place on baking sheet.

Microwave chocolate and 1/2 cup butter in large microwavable bowl on high for 1 min. or until butter is melted. Stir with wire whisk until chocolate is completely melted. Stir in sugar until well blended. Whisk in eggs and egg yolks. Stir in flour. Divide batter between prepared custard cups.

Bake 13-14 minutes or until sides are firm but centers are soft. Let stand 1 min. Carefully run small knife around cakes to loosen. Invert cakes onto dessert dishes. Top with whiped cream. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

This is charming

Current temperature: 40

Current temperature inside of my apartment: 55

Current status of my furnace: d-d-d-dead

This is what I would call not good.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Dessert for pervs

To celebrate a new year and a new start, Mom and Dad made a grand dinner last night. For dessert, Mother whipped up a new recipe. Chocolate Lava Cake. Or, as we demented folk prefer to call it, Chocolate Cum Cake.

The middle of Chocolate Lava Cake is chocolate sauce. So, you break it open with your fork, and – ooh! – chocolate oozes everywhere.

Or, as we demented folk see it, it splooges everywhere.

Whatever its name, that chocolate delight was a phenomenal way to celebrate 2006. Terribly delicious, I tell you. And terribly easy. An optimum combination, if you ask me.

Unrelated: Mom went with Emma and her dad to see her psychologist today. The psychologist put Emma on new medications and suggested that she stay with my parents for the next few weeks, so that my mother (a healthcare professional) can monitor her on her medications and so that she is not exposed to the stressors that she would be exposed to at home.

...Aunt Marie should be home from the hospital this week.

Related: when I called home and found out Emma would be living at my mom and dad’s house for the next few weeks, I was informed that Meg, Mom and Emma were in the midst of making – what else? – Chocolate Cum Cake. Mmmmm! Wouldn’t her parents be proud! Good thing they’re sending her to Catholic school so that she is refined and well rounded not a pervert. Hahahaha.

I must admit, my MS Outlook calendar is sent to remind me when TLC’s Ice Diaries and FOX’s Skating with Celebrities are on TV. Oh how I love the Olympic season. Figure skating is everywhere!

I love that.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Emma

Aunt Marie is back in the hospital.

I would like to be selfish and sarcastically declare, “great! This is just what I needed!”

Much like it is just what my mom needed. Just what Grandma the Troll needed. Just what the whole fucking family was craving: another complication – medically and otherwise.

Aunt Marie broke her ankle again. Now the decision is between doing surgery to repair the fracture (leaving her so very susceptible to another infection), bracing the ankle and letting it heal however it heals (all the while holding our breath and praying that she again slip past the threat of amputation) or simply declaring the case a lost cause and amputating.

It’s very difficult.

Added to this situation is that of Aunt Marie’s youngest daughter, Emma. Emma has severe, severe behavioral problems. I’m not sure what she’s been diagnosed with, but her anger management is terrifyingly poor, her view of the world is sadly askew and she’s on a lot of medication. Including anti psychotics.

Emma is angry. Insanely, dangerously, violently pissed that she doesn’t have a “normal” mother. She takes the majority of her anger out on Aunt Marie, screaming at her incessantly, telling her that she hates her and that she needs to go back to the hospital. It’s to the point where Emma is so hateful towards Aunt Marie that her own mother doesn’t want her in the house. To someone in excellent health, she is exhausting. I can’t imagine how hard it is for Aunt Marie, especially with the added complication that is the fact that she gave birth to a child who is so filled with hate.

When Aunt Marie went into the hospital at Thanksgiving, Emma lived with Grandma. She stayed at my mom and dad’s house on the weekends.

This time around, judging by how she’s now acting out when she is with Grandma, it looks like she’ll be staying with Mom and Dad. Honestly, if Emma has to stay with anyone in the family, my parents are probably the best choice. My mom is educated in such a way (and has been in enough of her own therapy sessions) to know the best way to handle her and my dad’s temperament is second to none.

But I hate that they’re going to take on such an angry kid, in addition to everything else.

When will enough really be enough?

Soon, I hope.

2006, lesson #1

Do not post anything implying that your New Year's Eve will be better than last year's lame-ass New Year's Eve. Because this guarantees that your New Year's Eve will suck hardcore.

Motherfucker.
 
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