Friday, December 01, 2006

Maybe I can write something of substance today

The first time Colin and I attempted dating (and, in hindsight, all it was was an attempt), it was all on his terms. He called when he wanted to. He saw me when he wanted a girl on his arm. There was nothing even slightly real about it.

We never broke up. Well, we were never really dating. It was almost dating and it stopped when I stopped calling him because he couldn't return my calls. Mostly, I got the hint. And he admitted wrong when he suggested, for the second time, that we should give Us a try.

Our second attempt was exactly the same. Except it didn't last long. And I'd convinced myself that this time would be different and perfect, so my heart hurt a little more.

Things ended the same way. I'd call four times to his one. I sucked up my pride and stopped dialing his number. Silence. It was last winter. His calculated distance made it feel colder.

When he admitted wrong this fall he suggested, again, that we should give Us a try.

I should've blown him off.

But it felt genuine.

And it has been.

Colin has been a dream. Every bit the gentleman he should've been the first two times around. In this third try, we've gotten something right. We're both mature enough. The stars are aligned. The prostitute he was in love with moved to Toronto. I'm on the right cocktail of drugs. Something. Something's different. And good.

But please excuse me if I'm still nervous.

I'm home - at Mom and Dad's - for a three-day weekend. Colin called me today, but he didn't suggest that we do anything tonight.

Of course, I didn't suggest that we do anything either. But I have a vagina, so that's obviously not my responsibility. Feminism? What?

It's the most insignificant thing. We can spend tomorrow together.

But it brings it out of me. I'm still nervous. I'm afraid that the old Colin - the boy who likes me, yes, but could care less about hurting me - is still somewhere in there.

I'm scared to get hurt again.

I think I have the right to still be afraid.


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