Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Evil, party of one

So I'm sitting here contemplating my 10:30 am performance appraisal meeting with my boss.

I have to rank myself on a boatload of performance criteria on a 1-5 scale, with 1 being unacceptable and 5 being excellent.

4. Job Knowledge - The extent to which an employee possesses the practical/technical knowledge of the job.

8. Adherence to Policy - The extent to which an employee follows safety and conduct rules, other regulations and adheres to company policies and procedures.

10. Judgment - The extent to which an employee demonstrates proper judgment and decision making* skills when necessary.

(*this should be decision-making, but I am the only one in the company who can write in a language that could be mistaken for proper/grammatically-correct/intelligent/coherent English.)

15. Resourcefulness - The extend to which an employee seeks out and utilizes the requires resources to complete a task.

I am going to wait until approximately 10:26 to fill this sucker out. At 10:26 am, four minutes before my meeting with my boss, I am going to decide between one of two options that I am considering, both of which would primarily be to fuck with her.

Option A: Give myself all 5s. My reasoning would be "if I thought there was anything less than excellent about my performance, I would change it!" [insert sweet, innocent smile, fluttering of lashes and burst of sunshine here]

Option B: Give myself all 3s. I would do this because this stupid fucking performance appraisal worksheet doesn't give me any guidelines to base my appraisal on.

1 = Unacceptable. In comparison to what? The work Einstein did on his Theory of Relativity? I’d think so!
2 = Poor. Well, if my basis of comparison is my boss, I have yet to lie in order to gain access to anyone’s email account but I am slightly better at being a bitch, so this is an appropriate rating.
3 = Average. Maybe I’m supposed to compare myself against my coworkers. I am a nice, humble girl. I do not see myself as better than any of my coworkers. We all do our best! We all work super hard! I am not any better or any worse than anyone. We are a team!
4 = Good. I think that good is an awfully bland word. Who – with the exception of Glinda, if you know what I mean – aspires to be good at anything? Please! I strive for so much more.
5 = Excellent. Yes. My work is excellent in comparison to the work that I would have done when I was in the third grade.

I’m actually kind of looking forward to this meeting.

Take that, Powers that Be.


Mrs. Architect said...

Please post a follow-up-meeting-post! You are hi-fucking-larious! I love it!!!!!

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