Friday, May 05, 2006

Phenomenal dysfunction

I feel that I have restrained myself from being quite the judgmental bitch that I’d like to be in the situation with my Uncle Alan. I’ve been polite – and maybe the slightest bit cold (though I doubt he’d notice, due to his inability to think beyond his high and mighty self) – on the phone with him. I never once told him to go fuck himself. And, in a moment of weakness, I even told him that I would teach him how to ice skate.

Okay. I did tell his marriage secret. I did laugh at his desire to learn how to skate. And, when talking to him on the phone, I do entertain the thought of telling him to fuck himself.

But he doesn’t know that!

Soon, however, he may. Because I am finding it increasingly difficult to restrain myself.

This week, his wife of one week mailed us all a picture (and a bad, off-centered one at that) of the glowing newlyweds outside of the courthouse with one of those CVS-added borders that pronounced Our Wedding Day in grand style.

Shocked the shit out of Aunt Marie.
Amused the hell out of Meg, Emma and Anna.
Made Grandma cry and cry and cry.

You know what? Fuck him.

You don’t do that. You do not announce your wedding to your siblings via trashy photo. No note. No phone call. Nothing.

And who the fuck is this wife of his? She sent the picture. Did she not notice, on obtaining the addresses, that his sister and his parents live less than 10 miles from his house?

WHO MARRIES SOMEONE WHO LIVES LESS THAN 10 MILES FROM HIS PARENTS BUT DOES NOT ONCE TAKE YOU TO MEET THEM, YET ALLOWS YOU TO SEND THEM A CHEEZY WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT?

And I must point out: she’s not even cute. Her head is the shape of Jay Leno’s.

I talked to that bastard earlier in the week, too. Upon my father’s insistence, we mailed him an invitation to the anniversary party. He called to decline, thank goodness, because the last thing I need is that turd waltzing in on Mom and Dad’s party with his new wife on his arm, causing a scene and ruining the festivities.

I cannot wait until he calls me for those skating lessons. I will take great joy, I think, in finally telling him to go fuck himself.

It's so long overdue.

1 comments:

Plantation said...

I can't tell. Are you a little upset?

 
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