Sunday, February 26, 2006

Shameless work rant

(or: if I get Dooced for this, they’ll be doing me a huge favor)

I get along famously with one of my coworkers, a barely-above-me guy named, ironically, Kevin. Not intern Kevin – just another Kevin who I work with and happen to really, really like.

Main difference: I don’t want to jump this Kevin.

This Kevin is a few years older than me. He’s married. He’s genuine. He’s funny as hell. Once he trusts you, he’ll do anything for you. He’s just awesome. I love working with him.

Apparently, that is a problem.

We took Excel training together last week. Sat next to each other. Giggled a bit during the breaks. I’d make fun of him when he couldn’t do something. Interacted with him the same way I’d interact with any of my friends and any of my coworkers who I really clicked with. We were not malicious. We were not flirtatious. We weren’t anything, really.

Well, I was bored out of my skull and insulted that I was expected to take this course. But that’s beyond the point.

Shortly after we arrived back at the office, my new boss got a phone call from the company HR bitch.

“My mother said that if Kevin were her husband, she’d divorce him, after she saw how Aly and Kevin interacted in training!”

Let’s pause here to get something straightened out. The HR bitch’s mom was in our Excel course because she wanted to learn more about Excel and because she also happens to be the president’s son. Mother = HR bitch’s mom. Mother = president’s mom. President and HR bitch = siblings.

Anyway.

So, Mother thinks that I am a hussy. Despite the fact that she has never met me before and has no idea how I interact with other people. Excellent!

And HR bitch isn’t smart enough to think about the 9,841 interactions I’ve had with her and say to her mother something along the lines of, “oh, that’s just her personality.”

No. HR bitch calls my new boss.

Who is quietly pissed that I refuse to turn cartwheels in excitement over her new role as my boss.

And the shit is stirred.

Kevin is pulled into New Boss’s office.

There’s concern.

You two get along so well.

Blahblahblahblah.

He’s in her office for over an hour.

AND SHE REPEATEDLY TELLS HIM THAT HE IS NOT IN TROUBLE.

Only me.

Because when I, being the dirty tramp that I am, was giving Kevin (a married man!) a lap dance during class, he was merely ignoring me.

Because all of this “inappropriate” interaction was one-sided.

Yep. I mostly talked to myself.

You see, she told Kevin, it isn’t just what happened in Excel training. It’s our friendship in general. I get along with him far too well! And we’re not insinuating that the two of you are sleeping together, but Aly needs to get along with equally as well as she gets along with you.

Translation: it hurts me that she likes you more.

This is where I would like to give the punch line and tell you all that this is a joke. But, apparently, it’s not. I am going to get in trouble for this. For being good friends with Kevin and for acting towards him the same way I would act towards any friend or close coworker. For making an old woman jump to conclusions about what we do when we’re alone.

Like it’s my fault that old broad has a dirty mind!

Or that New Boss is overly sensitive.

And with that, I realize that I am naïve. To think that New Boss was professional enough not to reduce herself to an emotional female because she has not won me over in the four weeks that she has been my boss. To believe that it was okay for two people who happen to have different genitalia to be friends in the workplace, friends outside of the workplace, and lovers only when the sky falls and hell freezes over.

I expect that I will be yelled at tomorrow. (As, apparently, New Boss was too wimpy to do the yelling yesterday.)

And I don’t even know how to defend myself.

I’ll apologize, I suppose, for having a personality that caused someone to assume that I was a tramp. I’ll ask for specific details of my trampy behavior.

Then...?

I’m not quite sure.

Because I feel like telling my boss that I will hold her hand and bring her flowers and dance on my desk at her arrival with greater frequency would be somewhat inappropriate.

Thus, I have come to a conclusion: I’m fucked.

And I need to find a new job.

4 comments:

Gayle said...

I think you should print this post out and hand it to everyone at work and just walk out. Then slap your boss. I have a boss that crys at a drop of a hat. But good luck tomorrow!

Plantation said...

You're getting quite the corp america education in just your first year. I think you're gonna enjoy reading my book cuz you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Elle said...

WOW! Is that ever ridiculous! I'm so sorry chica!

A said...

PT, I'd enjoy your book regardless of this hell hole! XOXOX

 
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