Thursday, September 29, 2005

25 things I should've written about since I moved

(or, why my quality of life will drastically improve on Tuesday)

1. My cute little kitchen.
2. My cute little bedroom.
3. My cute little bathroom.
4. My cute little living room.
5. My cute (and very functional) little storage closet.
6. Stella's cute little carport.
7. Losing my voice.
8. The new gym I've joined.
9. Tendonitis? Not? Why my sports medicine doctor is genius.
10. My coworker confirming a silly suspicion of mine.
11. Starting yoga again.
12. Why my apartment felt empty until I filled it with books.
13. Colin. Colin. Colin.
14. What I want for my birthday.
15. The weather pattern in relation to the washing of my car.
16. Ryan Cabrera's new CD.
17. My classmate's older sister, who I played soccer with for two years and who is as beautiful and chrismatic as she was when I idolized her as a 9th and 10th grader.
18. The World's Oldest Skater.
19. Depression in relation to Miss Lucy being in Thailand and the Dave Matthews Band's winter tour.
20. Dad's 50th birthday.
21. Mom and Dad's 30th anniversary.
22. Supreme Court vacancies and nominees.
23. www.ticketalbums.com.
24. Rivalry Week.
25. Endless bitching and whining about lame shit like my soul and my deepest feelings.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Slightly bitter

Not having internet at home = sucks.

Being so fucking busy that I don't even have time to slack off and blog at work = sucks more than anything that has sucked before.

You heard it here first, kiddos.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Telling it like it is: boring

The most exciting part of my day was seeing the kids of Laguna Beach stay at the same hotel I did when my family and I went to Cabo San Lucas.

The second most exciting was making an appointment to have my cable and internet installed in my humble little apartment. October 4. Let the countdown begin.

It’s amazing what one funeral will do to you. I feel very blah.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow.

Here’s what I need to do: get into a routine. This move has me all out of whack. Do laundry. Cook for self. New gym. Find grocery store. Work funky hours. Wander aimlessly around apartment, looking for things to do, ignoring unpacked boxes and rugs in need of a good vacuum.

Here’s what else I need to do: start a new knitting project. Or finish that purse.

After I got home from the funeral last night, Colin and I had our first good chat in weeks.

I’m wearing my hair straight today.

So blasé.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Vigil

Today I learned that mourning the death of a 23-year-old man is acutely painful. It was lesson that I could have lived my life without. It is a lesson that I hope I never have to learn again.

It was all very overwhelming. I am not sure that I can give justice to it. The vigil. The love in the room. The jokes that came at just the right time. Choked up men. Breaking hearts. So many hugs. Reunions that shouldn’t have come where they did.

The circumstances? Horrific. The number of people one man can touch over a 23-year span? Breathtaking.

We lost a special kid.

After gaining so much from him.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The end came quickly

He died on Tuesday. It's a lot to think about.

And a lot to post about. Eventually. But not at work. And not in the new apartment, either, as I have yet to have the cable turned on and don't have any neighbors to steal wireless from.

Not even one. What kind of heathens am I living near?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Too sad

My high school classmate's cancer, I found out last night, has spread to his spinal cord and spinal fluid.

He's in Hospice care now. So it's only a matter of time.

Some things should only be reserved for bad people. He is certainly not one.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Less like a shower, more like a downpour

Nearly 80 guests at a bridal shower is just too much. I learned that today.

I think that Cousin Liz was happy with her bridal shower but - gasp - I couldn't have done it for my own bridal shower. Thanking guests from behind my mountain o' gifts via microphone? Definitely not me. There were guests who she didn't even talk to. That's crazy.

I had two very important jobs at The Shower.

Important job #1: writing down the gifts each guest gave. My hand is still cramped.

Important job #2: games. Longtime reader and all-around cool girl Denice sent me excellent, beautiful and much-complimented Bridal Shower Bingo cards. The ladies, all 70some of them, loved the game.

My cousin Paige wore a hideous outfit that she bought at Limited Too. I believe it was an exact replica of an outfit Jennifer Lopez wore as a fly girl on In Living Color. Including the denim page boy hat.

One shower down. Two showers, a bachelorette party, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding and a reception to go.

No sweat!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

On moving

I have a neighbor with a squaking pet bird.

I discovered that I own six (6!) blue fleeces.

I worked a full day today.

And that's about all I care to share at the moment. I am back at Mom and Dad's, preparing for a 70+ guest wedding shower. Stay tuned to tales of madness, hamburgers, rugs, carpet cleaners, carports, scandal and intrigue illustrated with professional-quality photographs.

With that, I will say goodnight.

p.s. I hate Michigan State but fucking love when they beat Notre Dame. Sparty on!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

God save our sanity

Having just dealt with a teary mother, I am quickly realizing that this move isn't going to be as insignificant and as devoid of emotion as I had previously convinced myself.

I'm getting pretty stressed out about it.

This move is necessary, of course. But not entirely wanted. I am so incredibly good at eating food cooked by others, letting my mom do my laundry and Dad get my oil changed, having someone else clean up after me, letting others dictate the frequency with which I clean my bedroom, having built-in parental entertainment, the rent-free life, mooching and depending on others for my survival that it's hard to let it go.

But, after nearly 23 years, being a kid is getting kind of old.

So I guess I'll give being a grownup a shot.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Who?

Just today, I was refered to in email communications as:

1. Alison
2. Allison
3. Allyson
4. Alysson
and, my personal favorite,
5. Alice

I also have a coworker who frequently slips and calls me Alyssa.

This doesn't bother me as much as it could. Especially today. Why? Partially because I spent my the day celebrating the birth of Britney Spears's first. But mostly due to the fact that I didn't have to be at work until 1:00.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Sneeking up on me

I move out on Friday.

I am entirely unprepared.

And as excited as I am unprepared.

What a fun little adventure this will be.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sunshine

Would you guys who know me only through my blog be surprised to know how endlessly cheerful and happy I tend to be?

I feel like you might be. Rightfully so. I bitch a lot on here.

In real life, though, I tend to be awfully cheerful and positive. At work, especially. The reason my boss hired me out of my internship, actually, was because he loved my upbeat, optimistic attitude.

I’m not even joking.

I smile all the fucking time. In the mornings, I greet my coworkers with a tad too much excitement. I believe that it is my job to make everyone laugh, to do favors that I don’t really have time for, to make the tough phone calls, to bring in a birthday cake. Little Miss Sunshine. That’s me.

An act of sorts, I suppose. I don’t do it purposely. It’s just how I am around others. Cheerful feels appropriate. Less desirable moods...nobody wants to put up with that bullshit. And somewhere inside of me is the nagging feeling that I’m not good enough, important enough, person enough to be anything but happy because I’m not good enough, important enough, person enough to burden others with anything other than pleasantries.

I’m not happy all of the time; no one is. I smile and repress that fact of human nature.

People do appreciate that.

But I’m not so sure how good it is for me

Friday, September 09, 2005

The cancelled boat trip

I feel pretty today. That’s more unusual than I would like to admit.

My hair curled nicely. My makeup borders on flawless. My legs look long. I want to go somewhere.

Our plans fell through. They always do. I’ve realized that – mostly. I expect that – mostly. I’m over it – mostly. Except for this small thread that I cling to and this optimism that I should abandon.

I might never learn.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Laguna Beach will not even compare

Shamelessly ripped from the pages of Newsweek:

Careers on Thin Ice
You've seen them dance and diet, but the most delicious has-been reality show is yet to come. Fox's "Skating With Celebrities" is in production right now, and the network hopes it will air this fall. How do we know it's the best ever if we haven't seen it? One word: gore. "You'll see a lot of falls, no question," says Fox's Mike Darnell. "We've already had one incident of blood." As if that weren't enough, "Skating" gives you two kinds of has-beens—washed-up stars and washed-up skaters—for the price of one. The stars: Dave Coulier, Jillian Barberie, Deborah Gibson, Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Kristy Swanson. They'll be paired with Nancy Kerrigan, John Zimmerman, Kurt Browning, Jenni Meno, Tai Babilonia and Lloyd Isler. Dorothy Hamill is the nice judge. And the nasty one? No word, but, alas, Tonya Harding was unavailable.

Wheeee! Forget the husband, the career success and the kids. My life is so complete.

Confession

I just realized that Heath Ledger and Jude Law aren't the same person.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Looking south

I’m not as self-centered as I seem.

No, really! I’m not. I know that I spent most of last week drenching my blog in personal woes, but there was plenty of ache in my heart for Louisiana and Mississippi.

I hate tragedies like Hurricane Katrina. The enormity is suffocating, terrifying and so unreal that it takes days and days to realize that, no, this is not an extremely detailed and realistic dream that I still haven’t awoken from. This is the world that I am living in. And it’s very scary.

My mom’s aunt and uncle have lived in New Orleans for years and years – her uncle taught genetics at Tulane. And it was quite fortunate, really, that he died earlier this summer. He would have stayed at the hospital. She would have stayed with him. And...well. I’m sure that I could conjure up a few horrific images, but I feel like we’ve all been exposed to enough of that.

Aunt Jan was in Wisconsin when Hurricane Katrina struck. She was to have gone home, just to leave shortly thereafter for a visit to California.

She’ll go straight to California, now.

Because she doesn’t have a home to return to.

Monday, September 05, 2005

I haven’t totally lost it

What has kept me sane over this long weekend:

1. Aviva is home from NYC!
2. My first email from Lucy since she left for Thailand.
3. Colin permitting me to rant about the Foxy Boxing Incident.
4. Just talking to Colin at all.
5. The Constant Gardner.
6. New Adidas soccer sandals.
7. New Dr. Scholl’s sandals.
8. Refurnishing bedroom furniture for new apartment.
9. Learning I’ll be moving into new apartment in less than two weeks.
10. The two newest episodes of Laguna Beach.
11. Sunshine.
12. A party with both sides of my c-c-c-c-c-crazy family.
13. A sinful amount of sleep – beloved sleep.

...and another week begins.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Before and after

Mom and Dad had both alluded to my massive fuck up with Jess before Mom flat out brought it up. I wanted to fall under the table and die.

The point of them bringing it up, of course, was to point out that everyone fucks up – sometimes on a very large scale – at one point in her life.

I understand the point she made. But this is different. The “foxy boxing” was a before. They didn’t know of my deception in the Jess mess until after.

I wish they’d known about the Jess mess before I dove into it. Before I got in too deep to pull myself out. I wish it had been plugged when it was a tiny hole, not a bottomless chasm.

I wish it could’ve been avoided. Like I wish that Meg’s foxy boxing could’ve been avoided. It would have been so easy. Do it and we don’t pay for your college. Do it and your car is gone.

They think that if they try to keep her from Jay (and from the asinine shit she does with him), she’ll just pull away from the family. They think that if they let her make her own decisions, and her own mistakes, it will be easier. It will be better.

I don’t know.

She left for school on Friday morning; I haven’t seen her or spoke with her since delivering an Oscar-worthy rant just prior to locking myself in my room on Thursday night. But she comes home from school tomorrow. And I guess I’ll have to restrain myself from spitting on her.

Because, as a whole, the Jess mess was probably worse.

I didn’t have anyone trying to save me from myself.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I can't handle this

I am so furious that I am out of control. I want nothing to do with anyone in my family right now. I have nothing to say to them. I don't even want to look at them. And, honestly, I don't want to be so irrational and so blinded by my anger that I push them away. I don't want to be that dad who disowns his kid for making the wrong decision. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to pretend that this is okay. I can’t pretend that I don’t care.

I’m overreacting. But I just can’t reel myself in.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I can't even title this

My sister is participating in a "foxy boxing" match. At a fucking strip club. Tonight.

I am hurt
brokenhearted
sick
disgusted
guilty
humiliated
furious.

Mom and Dad aren't doing a thing to stop her.

I am so angry. And I am so helpless.

What do you say to someone you can't even look in the eye?

How are you supposed to deal with the essential dissolution the most important relationship in your life?
 
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