Thursday, November 24, 2005

The biggest turkey of them all

Thanksgiving this year will be small; Mom, Meg and I made a mere seven pies.

We're celebrating with Grandma the Troll for the first time since I was in elementary school. She always goes to Chicago to spend the holiday with my cousins; her and Grandpa are staying in town so they can go to Cousin Liz's wedding.

The most anticipated guest of the day is my sister’s darling “friend” Jay who, despite all of my desires, just won’t fucking go away. Meg asked me if I would be offended if he came to Thanksgiving. I told her that I didn’t want him there.

So my mom is pissed at me. According to my mom’s ruin-Alyson’s-Thanksgiving logic, we’re choosing between Meg and Jay being under her watchful eye or Meg running off to Jay’s “house” (he definitely lives in the basement of a friend’s condo. Sweet.).

Fucking shit.

I definitely cannot even act remotely humane when Jay is around. I do not talk to him. I am tense, agitated and clearly annoyed the entire time he is in my presence. I’m a really huge bitch and – sorry – I’m just going to have to be a huge bitch if he invades my Thanksgiving. It’s justified for two reasons:

1. He’s Jay and he’s a huge fucking loser.
2. That motherfucker is huge. He will eat into my leftovers.

Today’s lesson: don’t fuck with my food or my sister. I will hate you and I will do my best to make your Thanksgiving as awkward and uncomfortable as possible.


Plantation said...

What does she see in loser Jay?

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