Saturday, September 03, 2005

Before and after

Mom and Dad had both alluded to my massive fuck up with Jess before Mom flat out brought it up. I wanted to fall under the table and die.

The point of them bringing it up, of course, was to point out that everyone fucks up – sometimes on a very large scale – at one point in her life.

I understand the point she made. But this is different. The “foxy boxing” was a before. They didn’t know of my deception in the Jess mess until after.

I wish they’d known about the Jess mess before I dove into it. Before I got in too deep to pull myself out. I wish it had been plugged when it was a tiny hole, not a bottomless chasm.

I wish it could’ve been avoided. Like I wish that Meg’s foxy boxing could’ve been avoided. It would have been so easy. Do it and we don’t pay for your college. Do it and your car is gone.

They think that if they try to keep her from Jay (and from the asinine shit she does with him), she’ll just pull away from the family. They think that if they let her make her own decisions, and her own mistakes, it will be easier. It will be better.

I don’t know.

She left for school on Friday morning; I haven’t seen her or spoke with her since delivering an Oscar-worthy rant just prior to locking myself in my room on Thursday night. But she comes home from school tomorrow. And I guess I’ll have to restrain myself from spitting on her.

Because, as a whole, the Jess mess was probably worse.

I didn’t have anyone trying to save me from myself.


Unknown said...

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Don't beat yourself up too much, we *all* mess up. You were young, you made a mistake. Your sister is just going through one of those times now (we hope).

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