Sunday, June 12, 2005

Happy Awkward Sunday

I was in Colin’s bed last night when I pulled away from him and promised that things would be awkward between us today.

He scoffed. Hardly, Al. Why would things be awkward?

I thought of a dozen reasons and shared none.

Colin and I, we’re not together together. He’s not my boyfriend. I’m not his girlfriend. We’re friends and we talk every single day and neither of us would deny the obvious-like-a-flashing-neon-light tension between us. It’s there on the phone. It’s there in the emails we exchange during the workday. It’s there in person, spitting in our faces and pinching the back of our arms.

We don’t do anything about the tension. We’ve never discussed; we haven’t defined. We pretend it isn’t happening. We feign a platonic friendship and convince absolutely no one. Especially ourselves.

More days than not, we won’t even kiss. Why would we? Friends don’t kiss; friends are what we pretend to be.

There are nights when our flimsy tent of denial topples and I end up in his room. Hands and lips everywhere, the temporary state of the situation hangs over us. We are only together when the stars align. We can only last until the sun rises on a day that I know as Awkward Sunday. Aptly named, because it truly is.


Anonymous said...

I'm going to butt in my opinion here. This is what I think about this...

Either let your concerns out in the open or let go of this guy. Honestly Aly, you’ve been worried sick about this thing between Collin and you for quite some time.

I believe that you want more out of a relationship with a guy than what you are getting now, especially for a first relationship. Friends with benefits (I hope that is not too harsh) just doesn't seem like the thing you want, and I believe that kind of play between the two of you can only lead to more worry or a big blow up. Both of you are not on the same field of thought about this thing between the both of you and neither is aware of how the other feels.

It's so much better to communicate with your "partner", although I know he isn't technically that, but maybe if him and you talked things out you will feel this worry lift from your shoulders, even if things don't go the way you would like them to.

That's what I think girl. I know you don't want to scare him off with your concerns and that you like him a lot and kissing him is fun...but remember to protect yourself and stand up for yourself (especially when you are feeling down about the situation). Don’t place the blame on yourself for having these worries (it is better to have them than not to have them); he should be smart enough to get the hint already! Maybe he will get the hint from your hesitation yesterday, or it will bolster you to say more =)

Ok, that's it for blabbing. Sorry if I was too much.

Lots of hugs

Stace said...

I thought what you had was mutual, but after that I wonder if he's in the same spot you are. Either way I agree with Darcy. Sums it up.

A said...

Darcy (and Stacy, too!),

Thanks. Honestly. I'm so blinded by my nearness to the situation that it really helps to see the situation through your eyes.

Things certainly have to change. And I don't want to have to initiate it, but I will. It's time. You're right.

Plantation said...

Way behind...reading from the bottom up. IMHO, marriage is work. You've got lots to compromise and you have lots at stake. Relationships, dating, all the non-married stuff shouldn't be about work. They should be free and easy, fun. Sure you'll have bumps but if you're already working *this* hard, I think you know where it's headed. I've said it before sweetie, this is the first of many. Guys will be lining up at your door because you are a really special person. You've learned to open up out here in blogland, now go open up out there in relationship land. Luv, PT

Plantation said...

P.S. Hi Darcy :-)

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