Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Asshole test

In college one summer, I was lazy and the economy wasn't too great and I didn't have any other options, so I worked for my dad.

I'd worked for my dad intermittently in the past. Mostly I sat in his office and bitched about how bored I was and drove great distances to pick up his lunch. It was great.

One summer, however, I was actually expected to work. Like, all day and all summer. Dad was so serious about my being a legitimate employee and minimizing the number of times per day I asked him for money to buy food, in fact, that he set me up to work in the building across the street from his.

It was, like, so way shitty.

I dealt with irate Lincoln owners all day long.

Irate Lincoln owners, in case anyone was uncertain, are slightly more difficult to deal with than an irate Ford owner or an irate Mercury owner. This is because Lincoln owners think that, because their car was moderately expensive, they should be constantly showered with confetti and affection.

This is what makes them assholes.

Now, the moderately-expensive Lincoln owned by an asshole (as well as the moderately-expensive owned by a dainty, charming schoolteacher who doesn't have a mean bone in her body) sometimes needs service.

[All cars need service, as a matter of fact.]

It was my summer job to provide rental cars, free of charge, to any customer who wanted one while his or her car was in for service.

Seems straightforward enough, no? We had Lincolns. We had Mercurys. I filled out the paperwork, walked the customers around the cars, handed over the keys and sent them on their merry way.

Like it was ever that easy.

Here's the thing: there's only so many cars. Lincoln owners always had first priority but there were days (oh, so many days) when there weren't enough Lincoln rental cars to fill the number of Lincolns coming in for service.

What does that mean?

It means that a Lincoln owner would have to (gasp) drive a Mercury for, like, four hours.

This often created a huge problem.

Because when you are a Lincoln owner, you are way, way too good to drive a Mercury. And you will have no qualms about standing at the rental counter and yelling about how they truly are too high class to even consider driving anything other than a Lincoln, even for four hours.

For the first few weeks of my job, I blanketed all Lincoln owners as snooty assholes who wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't ever be subjected to the disrespect that was my suggestion that they drive a lesser vehicle.

But, with very few exceptions, there are two types of Lincoln owners:
1. those who can afford their vehicles.
2. those who cannot

If you cannot really afford your Lincoln, you bought it for the status. You bought to say that you drive a Lincoln. You bought it so people look at you at stoplights. You can’t handle not being A Lincoln Driver, thus you cannot handle driving a Mercury for a day while your vehicle is in service.

If you can afford your Lincoln, you don’t give a damn if you have to drive a Mercury because you’re just happy to have a free rental car to get you to work. You’re what I would classify as a decent human being.

Because of my thrilling experience in the rental department, it seems awfully ironic that my very first brand new car paid for with my own money will be a Lincoln LS.

And I’ll even be able to afford it.

But that’s a whole different story.

For now, let’s tackle the important issue: what color should I get?


M said...

Silver, white or black. Can't go wrong.

Anonymous said...

I like the silver and white.

A similar situation occurred with a Cadillac user (whom my bro accidentally bumped into the back of - no big thing). He called our house demanding that we call the car rental place to have them give him a Cadillac to drive while his car was getting fixed. Stupid guy. Why can't these people at least be thankful that they have a car to drive to where they need to? Argh. They sure pass the asshole test.

Unknown said...

AWESOME!! Only you could make a post about getting a new car so damn entertaining. :)

I liked the charcoal beige. And the silver! Black if you don't mind cleaning it... but you live where it snows, right? So the salt from the roads will show up a lot on it. decisions, decisions. POST a PICTURE when you get it!

Stace said...

I feel the same about Mercedes Benz owners, but unfortunately I can't afford one yet. :)

Any color I say.

Plantation said...

Miss Snooty, I'd recommend the Charcoal Beige, Silver Birch, Black

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