Thursday, May 19, 2005

She gets even better, Joe

My grandma, while a fulltime adorable Norwegian Troll, also moonlights as a pathological liar.

Grandma lies about everything. From the little (what she said to my grandpa when she caught him sneaking ice cream) to the big (when she was married in relation to when she popped out her first brat). She'll lie to anyone. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, relatives, her offspring.

And her grandchildren.

I know. It is brutal. I am scarred.

Por ejemplo:

I'm a kid. It's springtime. We're at the zoo, checkin' out the giraffes.

The giraffe exhibit is made authentic (and when I say authentic, I mean terribly corny) by a towering statue of an Egyptian pharaoh and his bitch that looked over the giraffes.

Meg, my cousins, Emma and Anna, and I were ogling over the giraffes when Grandma joined us at the fence, pointed at the statue and let us in on a family secret.

“That's me and Grandpa. We modeled for that.”

I didn’t need to hear the story. I was already pumped to go to school on Monday and throw the good news – my grandparents were motherfucking models! – in the faces of all of my lame-ass classmates.

Grandma was happy to elaborate.

They had just moved from Wisconsin.

My aunt was a baby; she was in a stroller.

They were standing by the giraffe exhibit, which was under construction, when they were stopped by a zoo-commissioned artist who asked them to sit for a sketch.

Which was used to make the statue.

The reason Grandma’s hand was like that – bent at the wrist, palm up, Walk Like an Egyptian-style – was because she was asking Grandpa for money.

Grandpa wore a towel on his head.

We believed it.

And told all of our friends.

And were all mighty pissed when, months later, the truth came out.

You cannot trust trolls.


ropedncr said...

speaking as a grandpa i can assure you that one of the most important grandparently duties is to fuck with our grandkids minds. besides, sometimes the lies we tell them are better for them in the long run than some of the so-called truths they're going to get from their parents. i know because, of course, before i was a grandpa i was a dad (well. actually i still am. it kind of works that way). our son got mad at his twin sisters one night at dinner and i slammed my fist onto the table and yelled out 'goddammit, joe! it doesn't do any good to get mad.' yeah. like that.

Mrs. Architect said...

Excuse my language, but THIS is fucking funny!!! Your sense of humor is my favorite!!

Roy Naka said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio