Monday, May 23, 2005

Pain. Growth. Gain.

I’ve done a decent job, I think, of getting over the mistakes I made in my friendship with Jess.

I never thought that I would find a day when I didn’t think of her, of the lies that our friendship was founded in, of all of the bad I committed when I was trying to maintain good.

I fucked up enormously, no doubt. But I am more than my mistake. I can look in the mirror. It’s a relief.

I think about her...enough.

There were a lot of positives in our friendship. We were, as far as friends go, a good match. Had different decisions been made, had Fate blown her breezes differently, we could have been the best of friends. We were a lot alike.

We made the same mistakes.

I regret not showing her the truth: that there was no Good and no Evil. That her hands are not unsoiled. That she is not the victim, not the perpetrator, but an equal in a mistake that we – together – perpetuated.

It was both of us.

And I took the fall. And I stung with embarrassment. And I wallowed in the self-hatred.

And that’s fine.

I deserved it.

I’m a happier, better person because of it.

And that’s why I hope she suffered and learned, too.


ropedncr said...

and wouldn't it be wonderful if we didn't have to fuck up to learn ('the stove's hot, dear.' touch. 'yow!') i have to admit, it's hard for me to imagine you being a better person than you are already. ilybatsab

betsy said...

Aint that the truth? Sucks that it has to hurt so bad, but its worth it, a better person now, and stronger too. Oh the stupid shit Ive done...its embarassing, but everyones got a story!

Robert_M said...

Always so hard on yourself... tisk tisk

You must remember we all make mistakes like that, we just don't all have the balls to tell anyone.

Plantation said...

wish you'd tell me what happened...send me somethin

A said...

One day I'll spell it out for all ya'll. Promise.

I think I need more distance from my stupidity, though. Like maybe 5 years of distance.

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