Friday, May 20, 2005

Maybe I don’t know better

For the first time since high school, I’m playing outdoor soccer.

I was invited to play by a few girls I played indoor soccer against.

They were looking to add a couple more players to the team; I invited Heather.

Why can’t I just hate her?

Oh my God, do I want to. I want hate Heather.

And I can’t. I can’t because, somehow, we click. We clicked in elementary school, even though she made fun of me at Girl Scouts. We clicked in junior high, when she picked on my clothes. We clicked in high school; she was venomously jealous of me. We click now. And it’s always the same.

She treats me like shit and I harbor so much resentment and you get us together and...

...it’s like nothing ever happened.

It’s like we went to college and kept in touch. It’s like she didn’t throw me aside for a boyfriend only to come crawling, ungracefully, back into my life when they broke up. It’s like she didn’t break my heart when she tossed aside the news of my grandma’s death. It’s like I didn’t expend so much energy, fighting the poison of our toxic friendship.

I can’t hate her.

It infuriates me.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how far to let her back in.

How many times do you brush off the remnants of the past?

How many times do you forgive?

2 comments:

Stace said...

You are a far better person than I could EVER be. I hold grudges and I don't forgive easily. Just know you are a good person, b/c me I wouldn't push anything aside for ANYONE.

ropedncr said...

you just can't overcome your basic goodness, can you? and besides, clicking folk are hard to come by. but just click back and don't let her all the way in. and you didn't really need any advice, did you, so i'll just shut the fuck up now (damn! i started off with a question, but then switched to a statement, so what kind of a punctuation mark do i put here...oh! i know);

 
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