Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I've named my thighs Thor and Thor, jr.

I think I'm getting fat.

Don't be alarmed. I always think that I'm getting fat. I am obsessed, in fact, with the constant fear that I am getting fat.

This is how I deal with the fear.

Day zero: Eat everything in sight in massive quantities.

Day one: Resolve not to eat everything in sight in massive quantities. Forget about resolve not to eat everything in sight in massive quantities by 10 a.m.

Day two: Have enormous breakfast then resolve to be better about not eating everything in sigh in massive quantities. Have small lunch. Have enormous snack after work. Eat dinner an hour later.

Day three: Eat mostly fruit and vegetables. Constantly. Upon realization that you've eaten everything in your sight in massive quantities, question whether diet is reasonable and/or necessary.

Day four: Eat well. Eat healthy. Do not starve self. Do not snack arteries into bypass surgery.

Day five: Weep with equal parts joy and pain as mother grandly unveils a FIVE (5) FUCKING POUND bag of sour gummy bears, purchased for you. And you only.

Day six: Emit muffled (mouth is full of sour gummy bears) squeal as Norwegian troll grandma brings over a plateful of chocolate cupcakes.

Day seven: Spend in sugar coma.

Day eight: Eat everything in sight in massive quantities.

Day nine: Resolve not to eat everything in sight in massive quantities.

5 comments:

Sarah said...

Hahaha, I know that routine oh-too-well!!!

I have a second stomach for desserts/sweets etc in my thighs...

ropedncr said...

you say you're getting fat. i bet i'd say you're svelte (oops. wait a minute. is that where all the animals live in africa?).

Stace said...

YOUR TO FUNNY. But I understand I TRY to do good, work out and not drink so much, but it never works I am destined to be a little thick.

Plantation said...

Don't think I've ever read a female blogger who *didn't* post about being fat.

A said...

I blame it on societal pressures, PT.

 
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