Wednesday, February 09, 2005

The Wicked Curse of the Childhood Wish

Most of the memories I have from growing up are pretty vague. I know the gist of the situation and I know the significance that triggered me to remember a particular incident, but I’ve long discarded the specifics – purging details to make room for information “essential” to a “fruitful” and “meaningful” adult life. Like y = mx+b. Which I’ve frequently used in my transition from childhood into a productive member of society. Just as you promised that I would, Ms. Ernst. You lying old whore.


There is one afternoon at my grandma’s house that I remember exceptionally well. We were all at Grandma’s to celebrate a birthday. The grownups were sitting around the table. I was about nine, being nosey, quietly standing behind my mom’s chair. My aunt was talking about my dad.

“Robbie’s hair didn’t get curly until he went through puberty.”

“Sweet!” I, of ruler-straight hair, thought to myself. “When I go through puberty, I hope that I get big knockers and curly hair!”

And then I went through puberty.

And got the curly hair.

And barely an A cup.

Clearly, there was some sort of static interference or test of the emergency broadcast system or thunder clap that prevented the Powers That Be from hearing my entire wish. Boobs and curly hair. Not curly hair. Not boobs or curly hair. C: all of the above.

So now I’m stuck with:
1. a flat chest
2. a feisty, uncontrollable mane of curly, strawberry blonde hair.

To address issue No. 1, I have employed the Wonderbra. Problem solved.

I have yet to find a solution for issue No. 2.

I don’t hate having curly hair. It mutes my plainness with a little character. It gives acquaintances a way to describe me without using phrases such as “voluptuous gadonkadonk,” “blue-eyed neurotic” or “short and devoid of personality.”

What I hate is having curly hair that is SO. INCREDIBLY. FUCKING. STUBBORN. that it refuses to do anything but:
a. not curl on days I want it to be curly
b. drain my bank account
c. look lame
d. multiply and friz in fear at the mere mention of a blow dryer

This is what I do every single damn morning in an attempt to make it acceptable to wear my head in public:

-apply handfuls of gel
-prance around a towel draped over my shoulders (Superwoman-style) and freeze white ass off while waiting for hair to drip dry
-curse at self for making such a stupid damn wish in the first place

This routine rarely works. My hair looks fabulous if I shower, scrunch, gel, scrunch and sit perfectly still and allow hair to dry for exactly four hours and 18 minutes. But, other than that, I’m screwed.

And still flat.

Which is why I am so bitter and hostile about life.


Plantation said...

won't begin to get into the hair management segment. will leave that to the experts. looks good so whatcha worried about?

PS..did you see this article re: dooce?

Adarsh Sagar said...

Ever tried a hat.. sorry!

Robert_M said...

Brains are hotter than boobs.

Mrs. Architect said...

Hey. Found your post through plantation and I see gff hangs around too. I TOTALLY feel ya on the curly hair. Mine is curly too, but its is NOT cute curly. I can never just let go and it look great. Mine is a frizz ball in places and ugly wavy in others. Looks TERRIBLE unless I spend atleast 2 hrs getting ready.

I wore my hair curly in HS. I used a combo of mouse and spray gel then dried it upsidedown with a diffuser. In college I started the straight look and fought with brushes and blow-driers until I discovered the CHI straightener. Worth its weight in gold! No lie. The best investment I have EVER come across and I would leave home without id or credit cards before leaving my CHI at home.

A said...

Re: article on Dooce. I hadn't seen that. But I saw the segment on ABC World News, and it's basically the same.

Re: hats. Probably wouldn't go over well in an office where open-toed shoes aren't allowed.

Re: Robert M. Let's get married.

Re: Allison. Hello! Sweet name. I haven't tried the CHI, or any other straightener, actually...but I really should step up to the plate. I cannot walk around with wet hair the rest of my life.

Anonymous said...

As a fellow frustratingly curly-haired girl, I'd like to offer a possible solution I've found to the problem. There is this wonderful, but somewhat expensive (but totally worth it) product from Tigi Catwalk called Curls Rock!
Have you possibly tried it?

Though I can't afford to use it generously (it can be found at most salons for $15) it's great when you want to make sure that your hair is well-behaved. Also, while gel holds betters, I've found that mousse (try Citrashine) gives more natural, soft curls.

Of course, not all curls are created equal, so these things might not work as well for you as they do for me, but I feel your pain.

In Curlidarity,

A said...

Thank you, Newgyptian! I hadn't tried Curls Rock! but I've heard it mentioned as THE must have more than once. I'll have to pick some up.

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