Thursday, February 10, 2005

If/Then

If...Tim Horton’s had plush, ass-friendly seating rather than ache-inducing plastic booths
Then...I would spend entire days at Timbo’s, binging on a book and gluttonous servings of lemon-cranberry muffins, coffee and cinnamon raisin bagels.

If...you are Kevin
Then...you can sweet-talk me into doing your half of The Most Annoying Intern Task Ever while you take a few days off to visit your alma mater to drink and screw sorority girls, about which you will tell me on Monday.

If...I ever get a real job
Then...there is a God.

If...you are the woman who I drove around an entire weekend, enabling your stalker-like behavior, and you feel it necessary to consistently call and email to remind me to mail out the skating tapes that I recorded for you because I am cool enough to get CBC and you aren’t
Then...I won’t go to the post office. Intentionally.

If...this boy – who is not Kevin – calls me tonight as he told me he would
Then...you will all be blessed with a gushing, sappy, disgustingly annoying post about it.

If...you are Kate Spade
Then...please send me a new purse.

If...I didn’t have such a paralyzing fear of making unsolicited phone calls to people I don’t know
Then...I would be interviewing, instead of writing this entry as a means of stalling.

If...you read my blog
Then...please accept my sincere thanks and appreciation.

2 comments:

ropedncr said...

hey,

if - i liked your post (which i did)
then - there's no need to thank (or appreciate). i appreciate your blog.

A said...

That was SO the comment I needed to read. It calmed my rage. The world (and my idiot father) thanks you.

 
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