Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Truth

Last night my mom and dad found out about the one thing that I never hoped that they would.

I’m happy they did.

A former friend, Jess, emailed my mom. She exposed what I am least proud of. I am humiliated and I am relieved.

I met Jess online when I was sixteen. She was a couple of years younger than me; she lived in the Northwest. We both liked writing and skating. And I told her lies. Lies layered on lies. I did it without knowing that she would become one of my best friends.

But she did.

It felt very creepy, having a best friend that I found on the internet. But we clicked. I chatted online with her every night for an hour. Sometimes two.

I didn’t like that our friendship was built on a frame of lies. I wanted to throw away the beginning. I wanted to be real. But I wanted to preserve what we had. I just kept lying. I continued to expand the house of cards. I saw no other choice. I wanted to be Jess’s friend.

I was the architect of a life of mistruths from my senior year of high school until last spring. I never ceased feeling guilty, no matter how easy the lies became.

What I am most embarrassed about is that I physically lived my fallacy. Jess and I met, for days at a time, on four occasions; my hands would quiver, but I kept on the mask. I played along. I lied to her face.

Who does that?

Who misleads another person for four years?

Criminals.

Sociopath.

Not people like me. Not quiet girls raised in suburban, two-parent families. Not honor students. No one like me.

Except for me.

What I did was so sick. And so wrong. And so criminal.

And, as of last night, my parents know.

I honestly don’t know how they can look me in the eye. Or how they can promise me that they still love me.

But they are.

Last night, the event that I most feared occurred. My house of cards crumbled.

It was time.

I am embarrassed.

I am relieved.

I am not the person I was with Jess. In the rubble of my collapsed house of cards, I hope that I can find me.

I hope that I can recognize myself.

It’s been four years.

5 comments:

Mike said...

You sound so sad. I have to admit that after reading this three times, I'm still not entirely sure what lies you may have told that would hurt your parents so bad. I'm sorry you're so embarrassed. The truth comes out sooner or later. I too have had to learn that later is worse. And later than later is worse still. Well, I hope you're feeling better soon. Don't fret, your parents still love you. Chances are, they're not entirely innocent either.

Constance said...

Sometimes it's impossible to get the truth through to some people.

Sometimes I have to watch the house of cards go up and just enjoy it, even if you see it's a house of cards, you can't knock it down somehow.

Some houses of cards are going to keep playing longer than I do.

Plantation said...

A, you know what? All that baggage you've been lugging around on your skates has now been lifted. Sure you are hurting and ashamed, but a house of cards can be rebuilt as can your self-confidence. Don't believe me? I bet you can go out right now and do a triple salchow, triple toe loop combo without any problem without all that baggage.

Hang in there, OK? Your concerned friend, PT

Anonymous said...

It will be ok Aly. Don't beat yourself up over it. We do stupid things when we are young. I know that sounds sort of cliche, but there is truth to that. When I was in 3rd grade I stole a toy from a kid and never gave it back although he was really sad over "losing" it, I've cheated on test, lied to people, gone behind a friend's back to date a guy she liked, got involved with a much older guy through the Internet when I was 15, and other things that I'm not too proud of myself. I don't like the mistakes that I've made, but at the same time I've learned from them. Mistakes allow you to learn. That doesn't make mistakes right, but it makes them necessary to grow. And that is exactly what you have gone through. Yes you have harbored your mistake through all these years, but hell we are human and sometimes we feel humiliated and regretful of the things we have done, all the while we just want to scream out "I'm Sorry!" For whatever reason you continued to lie, maybe because you felt ashamed, you didn't want to lose her as a friend, or you didn't want to hurt her with the truth. From the Aly I know, I'm 110% sure that your reasoning behind all of this was not to intentionally hurt Jess or cause any sort of pain. It just happened. It got dealt with last spring and the truth of it all came out last night, so now its time to let yourself breathe and heal.

The point here is that you are beyond that 16-year-old girl who started to lie, who made a mistake. You are more than that, better than that now, because you allowed yourself to learn from your mistake and carry those lessons to better decisions or frame of mind. This is what makes people better. If you were not to feel sad, humiliated, regretful, or shame for what you did than you wouldn't have learned anything. But you do feel these things and that is ok. Maybe now that this is out in the open you can let it go and make peace with the past. Your parents may question you, but that doesn't mean they think you are criminal of some sort (which you are not!) or love you any less. They just want to understand and comfort you, so allow them in.

Lots of Hugs
Darcy
(Sorry for the long post)

Plantation said...

Darcy girl...awesome.
A, listen to your dear friend!

;-)

 
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