Wednesday, January 26, 2005

On the cusp

Yesterday was spent shaky and sick.

I’ve never had such a physical reaction to being upset. It makes a fair bit of sense that this would trigger the queasiness; I’ve never fucked up this big before, either.

And that’s probably why I’m taking this so damn poorly. I’ve never done anything seriously wrong in my life. No suspensions from school. No detentions at school. Okay, okay, this is how prissy I was: I wasn’t ever even sent in the hall. I’ve never stolen anything. There was never a minor in possession charge. I’ve never snuck into a movie theater. I’ve never been in a fight. I’ve never dealt drugs. I have no history of arson or armed robberies.

Going from nothing to a very significant something was a shock to my system.

I took one of the hardest classes at my gym last night and, while I worked my ass off, I never broke a sweat. Sleep was near impossible on Monday night; eating has been a chore.

I’m calmer today. I slept. I’m eating. I skated. I went to the gym and I broke a sweat. I’m still wildly, passionately, stubbornly, insanely, fucking pissed off at myself and the very poor decisions that I made and I still can’t look my parents in the eye. But I’m getting by.

And I’m certainly learning. I’m learning to look at my idiocy with an eye from something other than change. I’m considering the theory that I have the ability to spin change from my atrocity.

I’m going to turn four years of deceit into growth.

Because if I can pinpoint this humiliating situation as a catalyst for positive change in my life, then maybe I can learn to look back on what I did to Jess and what I did to myself with a little more understanding and a lot less hate.

Maybe this is one of those turning points that screenwriters of coming-of-age films employ predictably yet efficiently.

It feels like one.

I’m more ready to grow up than I was on Monday.

I’m more ready to grow up than I have ever been.


Plantation said...

I like what I'm 'hearing' from you. Positive change, indeed! Baby steps, m'dear. You'll make it!

Anonymous said...

Just a reference to your post on Michele's blog.....I agree about your former teacher's concern about journals...but just this....isn't a blog a journal?

A said...

Oh, HELL yes. That's why I will forever love Ms. P's comment.

[I had a high school teacher who warned us about people who kept journals; all of the wackos in history, she told us, journaled. Remembering that always makes me laugh.]

Anonymous said...

Yay I like this thinking. It gives me inspiration =)


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