Friday, December 17, 2004

Rewind to Junior High

Dooce, if you’re reading: I know that I’m not supposed to write about work. I really do. When I started this blog, I even promised myself that I wouldn’t write about work.

But is my job really a job? Technically, I’m interning. On the family tree of Ways to Spend Your Days I would classify my internship as a sibling to indentured servitude; my internship is a very distant cousin to an actual job.

The office I work in is really small. Its size should’ve immediately tipped me off to the dysfunction. A three-person office that needs two interns? Clearly a case of needing to hire a fourth and lacking the funds to do so.

Kevin and I have been working at The Office since September. We go in and do our thing. No feedback. No direction. Sink, little intern scumbags, sink or swim.

We both quickly learned to tiptoe around Carrie, who should love us because we make it so she’s not the lowest rung on the office ladder but instead takes any and all frustrations out on us to make her feel like she’s more important than she really is. When she’s in a bad mood, we’re kind of like exceptionally realistic punching bags for the verbal jabs that she absolutely must throw at someone.

On Wednesday (a day that I don’t work), Kevin forgot to set his alarm clock and got to work two hours late. Not smart.

On Thursday, Carrie mentions to me that “Kevin didn’t even apologize” for being late. Okay. Seems sort of petty and unnecessary to mention to me but okay. I file her comment in the back of my little brain for later.

I call Kevin on my way home from work on Thursday afternoon. “I have a great idea,” I tell him. “Tomorrow, you should bring Carrie cookies or a dozen bagels to apologize for being late. ...she said that you didn’t apologize.”

Kevin explodes into fit of anger. Apparently, he told her that he was sorry for being late.

Three times.

He says that he’s going to confront her about it.

I beg him not to.

He says that he absolutely has to talk to her about it.

I beg him not to.

He spoke to her about it today. Of course. And then Carrie brought up every single thing that he’s done wrong between September and today. Things that Kevin has been doing wrong on a regular basis since September that have obviously annoyed her but not to the point where she would bother to correct him. She takes the whole thing personally and throws a fit. This is typical. Kevin should have expected this.

Kevin also should have expected to get pulled into Frank’s office. Frank is Carrie’s boss. He’s generally decent. If decent is defined by not taking out anger on interns completely disassociated from situations that create your anger (if his brother was in the hospital, for instance, he would not blame us for this. Carrie would. And has.) and by being a strong supporter of Tim Horton’s.

In Frank’s office, Kevin is told that he, as an intern, needs to kiss a lot more ass and read more minds and always be at places at least a half-hour before you are asked to be there because it is important to be a young and eager intern slave who has absolutely no shame or ability to tell time or follow simple directions.


This is not a joke. Frank was concerned that Kevin wore sandals to the Christmas party. The Christmas party with invitations that were clearly marked casual dress. Frank’s response to casual dress?

Sandals aren’t casual dress for a 30 year-old.


Feedback about work. Appropriate, though more appropriate if coming at the time that the work is completed, rather than in a large bundle designed to humble and/or frustrate the recipient of feedback.

Feedback about footwear. Wholly unnecessary. Nitpicky. Irrelevant. Obnoxious. As. All. Fucking. Hell.

This situation most certainly affects me. Can't-keep-her-mouth-shut-to-save-her-soul me.

Carrie knows that I brought up the lack of apology situation to Kevin. Because of this, I wholeheartedly expect her to snap one-word answers at me from now until the end of my internship. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Frank calls me into his office on Monday to bitch at me about repeating things that Carrie says to me and to berate me about the length of my skirt.

I wasn’t trying to stir up trouble, really! I was trying to mitigate the situation between Kevin and Carrie – not perpetuate it! And...and...just because you can see my kneecaps doesn’t mean I’m distracting anyone from his or her work. Honest! [Does that sound convincing?]

What complicates all of this even more is the fact that:
a. I want Kevin.
b. Kevin and I went to the corporate Christmas party together.
c. Carrie told me on Tuesday that she thinks Kevin “has a secret crush” on me.
d. I’m driving Kevin to the airport on Wednesday and I’m certain that Carrie and Frank will find out and raise their eyebrows and draw conclusions about such an activity.
e. I would like nothing more for Carrie to be right about that secret crush thing.

I can’t believe that I just wrote an entire blog entry about Captain Shoe Patrol and Princess Bitchface.

I kind of hope that I’m dooced for this.

To anyone who read this to its conclusion: I apologize.


ropedncr said...

dear a,

you down yourself so much. you don't deserve it. there is such beauty and wit that comes through your honest writing. you should never apologize for any post. i enjoy your blog so much that i've gone back to november of last year when you started. the more i get to know you, the more i wish you the love (romantic and unconditional) that you are so worthy of. the loml and i have been married for almost 39 years and we are closer today than we've ever been. i just know that you will know that closeness someday yourself.

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