Thursday, December 02, 2004

My tits aren’t saggy enough

Uncertainty:
I might have been illegally playing on an over-30 women’s soccer team.
I might be eight years away from being eligible for aforementioned over-30 women’s soccer team.
I might have more soccer experience than the rest of my teammates on my over-30 women’s soccer team PLUS whatever over-30 women’s soccer team we happen to be playing on any random night.
I might be in what is considered very good shape for a 20-something and AMAZING ACT OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY for a 30-something.

Certainty:
I am not playing to be the best in the league.
I purposely try not to score many goals.
I do not play defense with any sort of strategy.
I am playing for a team that has won two (2!) games in its 11 months of existence.
I do not coach my teammates.
I stand around when I don’t feel like running back to play defense.


Dear Dirty Skank Team that has a Problem with my Age,

Fuck all of you. For the first time in five fucking years, I was enjoying soccer. I was playing soccer for fun and making my intentions pretty motherfucking blatant. Had I been trying to outplay any one of you, you would still have the Astroturf burns on your cottage-cheese thighs and the bruises up your back. I guarantee that I would have made you forget your own name and remember mine forever.

I'll be coaching my team now. Prepare to be combing blood out of your pubic hair.

Tootles,
Your worst, oh-so-young nightmare

p.s. Lady who asked me how old I was and prefaced it with, "I'm just wondering, it's not like we care" YOU CAN ROT IN HELL AND/OR ASPIRATE IN ROSANNE BARR's VAGINA YOU SHITMOUTHED LIAR.

2 comments:

Plantation said...

Mia H,

Screw them aged soccer suckers! You go girl!

Harmony said...

Why don't you tell us how you really feel?

You go girl! Your my hero!

 
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