Friday, December 31, 2004

As resolute as I’ll ever be

I was looking to write something ultra-hilarious that had absolutely nothing to do with today’s date and the change of the calendar that tomorrow signals.

But I keep coming back to thoughts that aren’t very funny.

Okay, actually, they’re not funny at all. The song playing in my head has a depressing chorus, and it makes me want to ingest the weight of my gas-guzzling, earth-smothering SUV in peanut M&Ms and fresh mozzarella cheese.

I’m spending this New Year’s Eve at home; I spent last New Year’s Eve at home. Makes a girl question whether she grew and improved over the year as much as she had previously convinced herself.

Maybe it’s just today, but I’m really not so sure.

Conventionally, I grew up a lot.

[You know, that whole college degree supposedly signals some significant shit.]

Essentially, however, I’m still the same. And I don’t want to be.

And that’s my biggest problem.

If I could change it, I would be less shy, more motivated, more confident, more engaging. I’d be funnier. I would have more control of my hair. I’d be better at saving money. I would always know the current world news. I would wear a size 4.

But if I can’t be less shy, more motivated, more confident, more engaging. If being funnier isn’t possible; if controlled hair isn’t in my future, if I still can’t save money and fail to keep current on world news and if I can’t always squeeze into a size 4, simply accepting myself would be awfully nice.

And that’s what next year is going to be about.

Hurry the fuck up, 2005. I’m ready to give you a shot.


Plantation said...

A, it took me a long time to reach the goal you seek. and it's a most worthy and admirable goal (note you didn't just see my edit, but I actually typed g-i-r-l instead of g-o-a-l; Freudian slip perhaps?). I only accomplished that feat in 2004. It boils down to 'we are who we are.' Sure we can change, and change for the better, but even so that changed person is still who we are. So here we are at day 1. I wish you much luck and success. Now then, about that picture with the black yoga pants... ;-)

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