Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Dog Drama

Oh, you guys. I am in deep now and I am afraid I am going to have my heart broken.

Due to some unforeseen work she needed done in her house, Meg had to drop off her dog and My Dog (that being the foster dog who I am interested in adopting) off at my mom and dad's house for the last two days.

At my mother's request, I went to her house to let the dogs out on my lunch hour yesterday. At Meg's request, I dropped the dogs off to her this morning.

My Dog was clearly scared and confused to be leaving again. He's been shuffled around too much. He was separated from his brother dog when his previous family surrendered them. He was leaving Mom and Dad's dog behind. He's going to be separated from Meg's dog later today, when he's brought to the vet to be neutered. The poor guy just doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't know what to expect. I am so sad for him.

And so my attempt to keep a respectful distance from My Dog, to keep myself from getting too attached, has failed. Miserably.

The adoption is far from being a sure thing.

Despite the dog not being officially put up for adoption yet and listed on the rescue's website, supposedly the rescue has other interest in My Dog.

I submitted my application on Friday and I have a "home visit" scheduled for tomorrow, but apparently some pre-approved family gets to meet with My Dog on Sunday and decide if they would like to pursue adoption.

Meg, my sister, is like "OH HELL NO. IF THEY AREN'T GOING TO LET A FOSTER'S FAMILY GET FIRST DIBS, THEY CAN FIND A NEW VOLUNTEER FOSTER." As though she'll be able to force them to pick me over the other families.

I don't know that is how it works. Meg isn't used to not getting her way. But I...well. Things don't usually happen for me on the first try.

This has the potential to turn into a shit situation. My Dog may not be my dog.

I do not like this.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

2015: Compassion

In 2014, it was gratitude.

We're 27 days into 2015. I have procrastinated long enough.


In 2015, I want to focus on being more compassionate.

There it is. Finally.

(Truthfully, I settled on compassionate days ago but I kept thinking that I would come up with something better and I kept not coming up with something better.)

I need to be more compassionate to other people.

And I need to be more compassionate to myself.

For others: I believe that I'm a relatively kind person but I don't think that being truly compassionate is my default. (Like, I might go out of my way to help you but that doesn't mean that I don't think you're an idiot for being in whatever tough situation you're in. That's not nice or necessary.) I'm not sure if it's possible to change my nature, but I would like to focus this year on being more aware of it. I need to get better at giving people the benefit of the doubt. I need to be more understanding. I need to take two seconds and reconsider my first impression. 

For me: I try do something nice for myself every now and then, sure, but I spend far more time and energy reminding myself of everything that is wrong with me. The workouts that I have skipped. The boys who didn't ask me out. The books I haven't read. The home improvement projects I haven't DIYed. The amount of sleep I did/did not do. There is no limit to what I will criticize myself about. And it happens several times an hour. At least. It's one thing to have high expectations, but it's another to beat up on yourself all day, every day. I need to give myself a break.

It is going to be harder to quantify compassion than it was for me to list out things that I was grateful for, but I am going to try to check in on this periodically. It will keep it at the front of my mind. It will keep me accountable. It might even keep me from getting to the point where I write really whiny and pathetic blog posts that pop up...more frequently than I care to admit.*

You see that? I'm doing this for you guys, too. We might all win here, friends.


*That wasn't a very compassionate observation, was it? BABY STEPS.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Monday, List Style

 1. I submitted the application to adopt Meg's foster dog.
 2. I am fairly paranoid about my adoption application being rejected. The rescue told Meg that someone else had expressed interest in him. I don't have a yard. Maybe I answered some of the questions wrong. I don't know.
 3. Due to a bout of bronchitis going around their house, I didn't see Lucy and her brood this weekend. That's very unusual.
 4. What I did see was Kinky Boots at the theater with my mom and my sister; Meg and I bought Mom the tickets for Christmas. The Motown the Musical tickets we got her for her birthday were a hit; it's been fun to give her experience gifts rather than material gifts.
 5. I am so cultured and refined that I'll be back at the theater in a few weeks to see Once with Lucy.  
 6. Also: Meg and I saw Sam Smith on Thursday night.
 7. I ordered a pair of summer concert tickets for me and Lucy, too. 
 8. Please remind me never to add up what I spend on event tickets over the course of a year.
 9. I am reading Russian Winter by Daphne Kalotay.
10. The maybe-thing with Alexander jumped the shark. I'm secretly a little relieved.
11. I kept the rug. It's far enough from the dining room rug that it isn't glaringly obvious that I bought it thinking they were a perfect match.
12. I am wearing a new dress.
14. I have been thinking that it's time to change my hair. This is mostly because it always looks like a hot mess.
15. I am going to get to the gym at lunchtime if it kills me.   

Your turn, boys and girls. Tell me about what's been going on with you. Theater trips? Rug shopping? Spill!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Oh, my heart

Meg is fostering another dog.

She wants me to adopt him.

Well, that's not entirely true. She says that if I have any interest in getting a dog, I should strongly consider this one because he is awesome.

According to her, her foster is the perfect dog. Sweet and well behaved. He's good in the car. He's good with her dog. He's just good.

I am tempted. (I have been thinking about getting a dog for a minute.) And, despite my admittedly strong interest in owning a dog, every time I think about it I start to cry.

It's not that I don't want a dog. But it's a big commitment. It's a lengthy commitment. Having a dog means that I'm agreeing to live and prioritize a certain way for the duration of his (hopefully very long and very happy) life and -- oh, I guess that just scares me.

Commitment scares me.

It's hard for me to tie myself down to things because, well, because I don't feel very tied down. I don't have a husband. I don't have kids. I don't have elderly parents who need my care. Everything that anchors me to this place and to this life are things that I choose to anchor me.

Doesn't this sound familiar? Doesn't this sound exactly like how I acted when I started house hunting?

Heaven help us all if I ever find myself on the cusp of marriage. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Memory Game

Over the weekend, I went rug shopping with Meg and our mom. We were shopping for Meg's house but that didn't keep me from looking for myself. Never does!

I was just browsing, passing the time, waiting to give my opinion on Meg's shortlist of choices. I wasn't even looking for a rug for my kitchen. I have a rug for my kitchen; it's fine.

But what my kitchen rug is not is a perfect match for my dining room rug. What I found was the perfect match for my dining room rug. Same pattern. Same colors. At a completely different store. What luck! I showed it to Mom and Meg, making all sorts of joyful exclamations about the positive turn of events.

While I'm not that matchy-matchy when it comes to decorating, it seemed silly to turn my nose up at the good fortune. Mom told me to get it. Meg told me to get it. It was a sign. I bought it. I brought it home. I dropped it down right next to the matching rug.

The perfectly matching rug.

Or not so matching.

Definitely not the same rug.

I'm a moron.

I might keep it anyway.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Winter is my Nemesis

It's snowing here at the moment. Big, fat flakes that are falling at a reasonable rate. This snow isn't wreaking havoc, it's just making everything quiet. I like this kind of snow.

This may be the first snowfall of this kind that we've had all winter. Which would explain a little something about how THIS WINTER IS SLOWLY KILLING ME. We have had little to no parts of wintertime that I actually enjoy (quiet snowfalls being one, brisk sunny afternoons perfect for skating on the lake being another) and, instead, we have been suffering through an endless parade of gloomy days and biting cold.

Winter has never kicked my ass like this winter is kicking my ass. (And it's not really that bad of a winter.)

Is winter just harder to handle as you age? Is that my problem? Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Should I buy a light therapy box? Maybe I'm part Prairie Dog and I just need to hibernate through the season. 

Yesterday is a perfect example of how this entire winter has felt. I struggled from the second I walked in the door at work until the second I left for the day. (My productivity topped out after I signed two invoices and recycled an old magazine.) I struggled through a lunch break shopping trip at Target, where I was so out of it that I didn't even buy anything. Except a latte at Starbucks. Which didn't even help.

By the time I reached the end of my workday, I was so tired that I was nearly cross-eyed. I had packed a gym bag with the intention of hitting the treadmill in the evening, but that definitely wasn't happening. I decided that it would be okay to go home, make dinner, blog and get a few things done around the house.

Also too ambitious. I ate dinner while robotically scrolling through my Twitter feed and went to bed at 8:30.

How long until spring? This is the worst.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Many Questions

Have you filled out my super high tech mailing list form so that I can update you on the future of my blog and/or send you long and repetitive emails about my feelings? Please do!

Did you watch Showtime's The Affair? Was it the greatest thing ever? I want to try it but I'm afraid the subject matter will hit too close to home. (Thanks, Dad!) Admittedly, I cringed every time I saw a commercial during my Homeland binge.

Have you read anything good lately?
I am reading We Are Not Ourselves by Matthew Thomas. It is too early for the L-word, but like it very much.

How insane would it be for me to go out with Alexander? I got a "I really want to take you on a date" text message from him yesterday. I feel weird about being so much older than him. I feel weird about his not-really-anything-but-isn't-that-still-something attempts at -- whatever -- with my sister. I feel weird because I'm friends with his mom. I just feel weird.

Are you sick? I am. Just a cold. I was overdue for catching some sort of a bug; I do work in a public building, after all.

What's up for the weekend? I'm thinking about sneaking out early tomorrow and starting mine early with an afternoon showing of Wild.
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