Saturday, May 23, 2015

Master Gardener

I am dogsitting at Lucy and Chet's house for the long weekend.

I don't have anything that I must do. I'm not even Netflix binging. I am not in the middle of a book.

So I am gardening.

Lucy and Chet moved into this house in the fall. It's a beautiful house with landscaping that was clearly once beautiful and, after more than a few years of neglect, is now overwhelmingly overgrown.

Lucy and Chet haven't done a thing with their gardens (not judging: their priorities are elsewhere and I understand) but I have nothing but time on my hands this weekend. And plenty of weeds to keep me busy.

It might be the perfect therapeutic activity for this long weekend. I can be outside with the dogs and keep my hands busy while I am lost in my thoughts. I've been really stuck in my own head lately, but at least gardening gives me something to do while I'm stuck there.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

But, first

So, wouldn't you know? 24 hours after publishing this post about my current (lack of) dating meltdown, my cousin Emma calls. She wants to set me up with her girlfriend's roommate.

I got off that call right quick.

Whatever. I am not my best self right now. I will own that.

The next couple of weeks will be busy. It will buy me a little bit of time and distraction and, after that, I will start really thinking about how this is all going to go because I need to do something different.

Like possibly going to therapy and then starting dating.

But first:
  • I am going to get up painfully early to drive Lucy, Chet and the kids to the airport
  • I will take Brady to the vet 
  • I will interview four people and hire one   
  • I will dogsit for Lucy and Chet's pooch over the long weekend
  • I will march in a Memorial Day parade and not enjoy it 
  • I will pick up Lucy, Chet and the kids from the airport in the middle of the damn night
  • I will get Mom through the first few days following her knee replacement
  • I will make huge amounts of food to be consumed (by the entire family) post-op 
  • I will finish a dozen annoying little tasks that have to be completed before the start of summer soccer
  • I will get a better attitude

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Just Talking

I am sitting outside on my front porch with Brady. It's quickly becoming one of my favorite activities. Especially in the mornings. I sit outside in my pajamas, looking like a hot mess and drinking coffee; Brady sniffs around the yard and observes the comings and goings of the neighbors. It's just nice to be outside.

We're just back from having dinner with Lucy and Chet and the boys. It was a good meal (the boys gave Brady way too many table scraps and he loved every bite) and a nice way to ease out of the weekend.

Practically the minute I arrived, Chet mentioned this guy that one of Lucy's friends wants to set me up with. 

Lucy had mentioned this guy and the blind date to me earlier in the weekend and it seemed like an okay idea. I wouldn't say that I was excited about it but I was not at all opposed. I just felt like: what could it hurt and how bad could it be. 

But tonight, when Chet brought it up and Lucy continued the conversation, I just wanted to bolt. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was, having a conversation about a date that, in that moment, I knew that I didn't even want to go on. 

I don't know what happened to the brave girl I was on Saturday morning when Lucy first brought it up, but she wasn't around tonight.

I don't know how I will ever be not single if I am too cowardly to go on a single blind date.

And I don't know how I will ever be not single if I'm too humiliated to even talk about my singleness.
That sounds dramatic, yes, but I am embarrassed of where my life is right now. I don't know how to put it more plainly than that. I am embarrassed. I feel like I'm failing such a basic part of adulthood, like it's such a fundamental part of being a human being that I'm screwing up so badly.

I just feel so pathetic that I can't even talk about it. I can't talk about the man who I'm not seeing or the dates that I am not going on or how lonely my life feels sometimes. It's all addressed with the same shy shrug. No eye contact. No words.

Which is basically how I handled tonight's conversation about this potential blind date.

A shrug.

That's all I can manage.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Mommy Guilt

Today I made an appointment for Brady to see the veterinarian because I didn't know what else to do.

I am trying and trying and trying. Every single day we practice. I leave, I come back. He does mostly okay some days and he is miserable others but I can't get it through to him that he is loved and safe and he is just so anxious. All the time. And I have no idea how to control it.

He has a Xanax prescription that's to be taken when he's in a situation that makes him anxious but there isn't a situation that doesn't make him anxious. He just has a low level of anxiety that is simmering all the time.

It breaks my heart. It makes me so sad that he is so constantly afraid and it makes me so angry that I can't figure out how to control it. I feel like a complete failure, adopting a dog who has to stay at my mom and dad's house every time I go anywhere. They didn't sign up for this, I did.  

So I made the appointment for the vet to see if he has any suggestions. I don't want to medicate Brady daily, I really don't, but I am willing to try. We have to do something different than what we are currently doing because this isn't working. He's still scared. I'm still unhappy.

This is very hard.

But, just for the record: I still think he's the best dog.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Thinking about...

  • ...how I left this crab of a post up all week. What a great first impression. Do you like selfish brats? Please, come back and read more! 
  • ...the series on manicures and nail salons that the New York Times ran this week. Did you read it? What did you think? I wasn't a big nail girl anyway, so it's probably easier for me to say that I honestly don't know if I will get my nails done ever again.  
  • ...Brady, who has seemed extra anxious all week. 
  • ...blogging about a select few of Lucy's other friendships (with girls who I am no longer friends with) but I'm afraid it will be as bitchy as the aforementioned crab post.  
  • ...how overdue for a really good vacuuming my house is.  
  • ...my next meal. (Always.)
  • ...a few overdue reports that I am impatiently waiting on. 
  • ...having an intentionally quiet weekend.
  • ...Colin, unfortunately. His house is up for sale and I drive by it every day on my way to work.
  • ...everything I have to do before summer soccer starts in a few weeks. 
  • ...way back when. I drove by Lucy and Chet's first house last night and I've been feeling nostalgic ever since.
  • ...Mom's knee replacement, which is a little over a week away and makes me nervous.
  • ...sneaking out of work a little bit early. It probably won't happen.
  • ...making time to listen to that Serial follow-up podcast. 
  • ...the horse I'm going to bet on in the Preakness Stakes, of course!  

Monday, May 11, 2015

Showering (again)

I have neglected to share the latest and greatest family news: my cousin Anna is pregnant.

My cousin Anna is the one who got married last September. She is due this September so she basically got pregnant at the speed of a Duggar. I think that I probably would elect to wait a little while but I totally understand that it's a personal choice and more power to her and her new husband. Not my business!

But the funny thing is that Anna says that this baby was a surprise but she's been successfully on birth control for years and years and it just stops working right after you get married? Plus she is a nurse and she married an obstetrician and, yeah, nobody really believes that this baby was a surprise (at least not to Anna?) but, really, what does it matter. It does not and I am very excited to cuddle that baby and buy her adorable baby things.

I do believe, however, that there should be some rule that hostesses should be immune from throwing any sort of celebratory shower for a person for at least 24 months after throwing her a previous shower.

Yet here we are. 13 months later. Throwing a baby shower.

Anna's new stepmother is playing a role in this shower (she was just a guest at last June's wedding shower) and booked out the restaurant but, other than her, it is the same cast of characters: my mom, my sister, me, my aunt and cousin who live in Chicago.

I was assigned fairly simple tasks (apparently I'm invitation girl and my grandmother's centerpiece assistant this time around) but I'm just: blah. We just did this. I don't wanna.

If I sound bitter and jealous, it's because I am.

I am a bitter, jealous and seriously burned out hostess.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Breakfast

I have been really struggling with breakfast for the last couple of months. It isn't that I'm not hungry, more that nothing really sounds all that good other that random things that won't really fill me up and are questionable as best when it comes to healthiness (think: buttered toast, tortilla chips, gummy bears, ginger snaps).

Kristin posted about smoothies last week and saved me from another week of eating random junk and/or not eating breakfast before.

Smoothies! Of course! One of my favorite summertime breakfasts that are completely unappetizing during the winter months. Plus, I had just come home from Louisville with an adorable new travel mug that needed to be used.

We make our smoothies a little bit differently but that's the great part about smoothies, you can just fly by the seat of your pants. I made a trip to the grocery store for vanilla Greek yogurt (I used to use this low-carb fake yogurt but I think it's fallen out of favor because it was nowhere to be found), vanilla protein powder (because I never have enough protein in my diet), coconut milk and frozen fruit.

I use about a cup of fruit, a half cup of yogurt, a scoop of protein powder and just a splash of coconut milk to thin it out a little bit. It's a smoothie that requires a spoon, which is fine, because I don't eat it until I get to work.

The best smoothies are made with just frozen mango. And it has to be frozen mango from Trader Joe's because the regular grocery store kind is slightly flavorless.

But all smoothies are pretty awesome. I'm pretty thrilled that I was reminded of this.

My workdays are so much easier if I've started them out by having a decent breakfast.

It's amazing how much you can get done when you're not scavenging for snacks every hour of the day.
 
Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio